I Made Dumb Things Today and Now I'm Going To Watch Vault of Horror and Drink a Final Cup of Tea

I made dumb things today and now I'm going to celebrate the dumb things I made by showing them to you and drinking a final cup of tea while I watch Vault of Horror. Then I'm going to go to Outsider Poetry and write a posy titled Outlaw Poetry emanates from Yul Brynner's crotch. 

The man in the first story of Vault of Horror has just been served a glass of blood he believes to be tomato juice after traveling to a remote village of vampires to kill his sister after their father dies. She returns to the restaurant later to partake of a glass of his blood after he is tapped like a beer barrel. One of the vampires says "A good year," which seems kind of funny. 

Gap-toothed British funnyman Terry-Thomas stars in the second story as a domineering jackass who bullies his wife until she buries a clawhammer in his skull and stores his parts meticulously in jars in the basement. Both stories I have described are far more tongue in cheek than gruesome, although when described they sound bloody and violent.

I see on the other screen, a television, i am also watching The Omega Man. I have a similar living arrangement to The Omega Man in that I live in an apartment above the third most dangerous neighborhood in America. Last night there were high speed polic chases and an ambulance showed up another time to cart someone away that was sitting on the bus stop bench under my window. 

Today in the mail I received Super Mario Kart, but I haven't gotten the generic clone game system I ordered so i can play it with Jack. 

The days are so fast I can't possibly apprehend them or even make a concentrated effort to describe what is happening. For him these days are going slowly because in the Psychology of Perception i learned youth seems very long and eventful because time to us is really the space between novel experiences. I can't wait for her to bury that claw hammer in this jerk's head so we can get to the Dr. Who story.

I left the design components I alluded to in the title on the other computer, the one I am watching Vault of Horror on. 

Did you see that Cubs game tonight? They are 8-1 now. When they resigned Dexter Fowler a couple of weeks before Spring Training I didn't think much of it because he didn't exactly blow the roof off my doors last season, but he's off to a roaring start, and with the Kyle Schwarber injury his return seems like a genius move. 

We reloaded the book of Outlaw Poetry we've been editing, The Blood Dark Sea, onto the BookMobile preflight apparatus, and if we approve the changes we made tomorrow I hear it could arrive by April 22nd. Actually, that is kind of a gruesome ending with the hammer and the body parts, but it's all in good fun.

Terry-Thomas really earned every ounce of this fate

I forgot the magic rope story comes before the Tom Baker story. It's a good one, too, and a cautionary tale not to "appropriate" the work of others. 

So, let me recap: time flies, Cubs, Omega Man, Dr. Who, Yul Brynner's crotch, goodnight

2026 Update..... ten years later, and pretty much what I still do with my life. I make dumb things and watch bad horror movies. 

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The Thirsty Dead Drinks Deep From the Cup of Stupid

I don't understand the 1974 movie The Thirsty Dead. Who's dead, exactly, and although almost everyone gets thirsty sometimes the dead don't and the dead in this movie show no evidence of being thirsty. 

I've sat through it a few times, or I've done the dishes or vacuumed while it was on. So, that alone probably means I know a lot more about this movie than you do. Here's what I think happens in this movie. 

A bunch of blond chicks just happen to be doing a lounge act in The Philippines. They get kidnapped and decide they want to look down each other's shirts. Then this death cult led by a white dude attempts to transform them into...

Old Philippino hags for no damn good reason. Nobody drinks any blood here. The only thirsty person represented in this movie is at the lounge in the first scene. Nonetheless. If you happen to be doing the dishes, I recommend The Thirsty Dead.

February 21, 2013 update: The Thirsty Dead is still pretty stupid. But I think you can still get it on Drive In classics so go ahead and watch it.

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Don't Go In the Woods, Unless You're a Nozzle, Then, Please, Go In

As the 1970's turned into the 1980's The Man was still trying to tell us what to do. Don't Go In the House, Don't Go In The Bathroom...

Don't Go In the Woods. Listen, ugly is a good word to describe this movie. These people are ugly. Nobody cares if they die. Plus, they don't listen.

Uhh, did you get that last part about the woods?

Speekin zee English?

How about now? I feel like going into the woods might be a good idea.

I'm just going to go into the woods for a while. Anyone want to go with me?

The woods are a little stabby lately, I think I'll just go for a swim. D'oh.

Best thing about the 2012 remake of Don't Go In the Woods? It will be your pleasure to see every one of these Guantanamo Bays die. of course by the end of it you'll wish you'd gone in the woods, but that's your headache, not mine. 

February 21, 2013 update: I think I mixed pictures from the original version of this movies and some crappy remake from 2012, but none of this really bothers me very much I'm just updating the blog to resize the text. 

January 25, 2015: I used to do a lot more picture to text in my blogs. I actually didn't see either version of this movie and have no idea why I blogged about it when there's about 10,000 movies I did see.

May 22, 2018. Looks like I wrote this blog after I read that Google loves lots of pictures. I saw this picture today on Night Flight's Facebook page. 452 shares. Zombielogic's Incredibly Brief Movie reviews was a good idea that was poorly executed, and what I should have been doing is longer reviews of movies I actually cared about.  

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Don't Go In the Basement, Or Anywhere Else, Or Answer the Phone

In the early seventies nowhere was safe. Don't Go In the Woods, Don't Go In the House, Don't Answer the Phone. In the 1973 schlock-fest The Forgotten, they're saying not only should you NOT go in the basement, Don't Even Look In the Basement. Don't even think about the basement. The basement is not for you. 

However, if you would like to detach your enormous head from your body and "stand" at the top of the stairs looking down and yelling out of your cavernous mouth that would be just fine. Here's sort of what might have happened in this movie.

One of these people is about to have his ridiculously misguided anger therapy used against him. 

The building is filled with loonies. This one appears to be dead.

This one is named Sam. I'm going to ruin the rest of your life by telling you as the credits roll he's eating a popsicle and mumbling something about white folk.

Didn't I tell you not to look in the basement?

February 21, 2013 update: You did tell me not to go in the basement, but I thought my raquetball raquet was down there. Now I got this hatchet in my head.

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Night Train To Terror Derails Spectacularly

Let me tell you something about the 1985 load of shit anthology story movie Night Train To Terror: if more load of shit hundred million dollar budget movies had as much good shit in them as this piece of shit I'd watch those pieces of shit, because by load of shit I only mean AWESOME when describing Night Train To Terror. I don't even know if I can get all this good shit into a review this short. Let me try. The wrap-around premise of this steamer is that God and Satan are on a train haggling over souls. Then a dance number breaks out. Apparently there's a refugee break dancin', pastel wearin', bad 80's music playin' troupe of mental patient escapees in one of the car who's souls God apparently thinks are worth saving (despite the visual evidence) and Satan thinks the whole Universe can (correctly) do without.

God, played by Ferdy Mayne of the 256 IMDB credits and the face you know you know you know but where do you know it from and  Satan, played by some double douche, haggle over...

This dicksmack, who you will instantly despise and want dead, but God says no, so we have to watch the entire damn movie. This actor is Byron Yordan who ended up having less IMDB listings than I do, and I can't act for shit if that gives you an idea of how much you will want him dead just from these interstitial bits. But on to the stories.

Those are Richard Moll's, Bull from Night Court's, hands about to do some booby squeezin'. He's in all the stories I think trying to pretend like it's not the same actor. A sure sign of a high quality production. He dies in this story, but he comes back later as another character. 

Richard Moll, who I found out is a devout Mormon (is there any other kind?) does some foul shit in this first story. I think this clinic is harvesting parts. He likes to bang up the chicks first then dismember them. 

Then this munch returns and after you have to sit through the second musical number you'll not only see it Satan's way, you'll consider converting to The Church of Satan to help make that happen, but mercifully you'll be saved by the second story.

About a society of smacks who get their rocks off by cheating death. Or not. As this dude finds out. He didn't look like at the beginning of the scene. But he goes through a Jimi Hendrix electrocution metamorphosis that it's kind of groovy. Other people die in the second story, then, ya, you know...

Back it up, back it up, I just found this. Before and after . You get the idea.

Monkey face. Probably turned out to be a councilor working with troubled teens in Modesto so I'll feel bad but dude I just can't deal with you.

Just when you want to put your head in the microwave you get this cocksucker to deal with. He's a NAZI demon vampire guy who likes to kill chicks (but don't they all?). Story three is bizarro. Bull comes back.

There's an insanely cheesy but unbelievably cool stop motion interlude out of nowhere, then

The train crashes.

Jewish character actor God guy intervenes. And (you guessed it)...

These human artifacts return to finish off whatever will to live you have left.

Listen, more shit than even happens in this movie. It's insane. It's terrible. It's probably criminal. But it's AWESOME.

March 29, 2013: I have an entire weekend with no plans and no real tasks to watch as many crummy movies as I can. If I can find The Brotherhood of Satan that will be first on my list, followed by Class Reunion Massacre, and Mansion of the Living Dead. But Night Train To terror is on the short list for another watching. 

December 2,2014: Night Train To Terror Soundtrack released on vinyl.

I never realized that the soundtrack to Night Train To Terror had actually been released as a 500 copy limited edition in 1985 on the Vinegar Syndrome label.  I have to buy this now. I believe it has also been recently -re-released in vinyl. The things that people don't forget amaze me, but I saw for sale on Ebay last night a Dark Night of the Scarecrow Halloween mask. 

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