The long-running blog of American poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg: poetry, horror and cult movies, Rockford history, cryptids, art, humor, gaming, and cultural commentary.
Showing posts with label drive-in movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drive-in movies. Show all posts
I don't understand the 1974 movie The Thirsty Dead. Who's dead, exactly, and although almost everyone gets thirsty sometimes the dead don't and the dead in this movie show no evidence of being thirsty.
I've sat through it a few times, or I've done the dishes or vacuumed while it was on. So, that alone probably means I know a lot more about this movie than you do. Here's what I think happens in this movie.
A bunch of blond chicks just happen to be doing a lounge act in The Philippines. They get kidnapped and decide they want to look down each other's shirts. Then this death cult led by a white dude attempts to transform them into...
Old Philippino hags for no damn good reason. Nobody drinks any blood here. The only thirsty person represented in this movie is at the lounge in the first scene. Nonetheless. If you happen to be doing the dishes, I recommend The Thirsty Dead.
February 21, 2013 update: The Thirsty Dead is still pretty stupid. But I think you can still get it on Drive In classics so go ahead and watch it.
In the 1970's the unwritten rule was it was permisable to make an intentionally schlocky, exploitation movie full of nudity, violence, and drug use because if it was only to be shown at night outdoors as part of a double or triple bill where everyone knew the rules. If the only thing I ever told you about the drive-in classic Revenge of the Cheerleaders was that
David Hasselhoff plays a character named Boner wouldn't that be enough to send you out to the corner gas station to rent the Betamax copy? Oh, there's more. Lots more.
They have sex, they take drugs, they do whatever they want, including...
Robbing their fellow students at fire extinguisher point for their drugs, then dump them in the spaghetti sauce leading to a naked food fight that requires an orgy shower scene, sounds like these chicks got their turf under pretty tight control, so who they need to take revenge upon?
The Lincoln High cheerleaders, of course, because they refuse to do sex and drugs and want to plow Aloha High under to make a shopping mall out of it. These chicks are so uptight when they say cock they actually mean rooster.
A new principal is brought in to save Aloha from the evil developer who wants to turn the school into a mall, but instead decides the cheerleaders are actually the source of the problem and replaces them with the good goody cock squad.
Bummed out, the girls team up with the Go-Gos, take a field trip to the woods, knock over a liquor store, then seduce a Boy Scout just for fun.
Their sin batteries recharged, the cheerleaders decide instead of giving up they'll kick some goody two show ass and regain their turf. However, when they return, things have really gone to Hell at Aloha High
When they return to school, the basketball team is losing the match to Lincoln High because the cheerleading is so uninspiring. So they whupp some ass and stuff them in lockers, but then the evil Nurse Beam chloroforms Boner, who instantly goes limp. But one of the cheerleaders knows that if there's one thing Boner loves, it's the smell of (cinnamon rolls), so she whips off her penties, and two sniffs later Boner is rock hard again and ready to lead the Aloha team to a rousing defeat of Lincoln.But this is where things start to get a little weird.
Nurse Beam, secretly working for the evil land developer,Hartlander, blows the school up overnight and the cheerleaders learn the principal has been kidnapped by Nurse Beam and a giant brontasaurus the gang hops in their convertible and goes to the rescue.
The chase in on through a series of winding caves leading to this elevator that appears out of nowhere and leads to
.
A shopping mall, where the girls chase Nurse Beam until they all end up on a golf course where Beam sinks into quicksand.
The sanctity of sex, drugs, and rock n roll is restored. Not particularly in that order. Credits roll, party out. I actually didn't watch this movie and now I feel bad for the review because it's not my style but I saw the picture after I reviewed Revenge of the Dead and it looked like fun. Now it just looks like exploitation garbage.
Drive In Massacre is a 1977 film that gets 2.5 stars on IMDB. It's a little better than that, but not much. Regardless of the rating, fans of low budget horror know that bad reviews and low ratings have nothing to do with how much fun a B movie can be. This one has good moments.
And by "it" we mean...
This. The kill scenes aren't too shabby if that's your thing. It's not mine, but they're not too shabby.
So, believe it or not, these two schlubs are the detectives assigned to solve the case of the Drive In murders. When I first saw these two losers I figured they had to have put up a lot of money to produce the movie because they don't look they could solve anything but a case of lost Ex Lax (and I don't even know what that means). Who dunnit?
Was it this weird dude who I think they call Germy who works at the drive in, or
This Anton Levey looking dumbfuck? Or some third guy with a pink shirt and white belt looking more like a modern hipster than any hipster I know but I can't find a picture of him so you'll have to take my word for it?
Who cares, because this just in... the red stuff on your hot dog might not even be ketchup. Drive In Massacre, pretty good, with some interesting but stupid characters, dumb-ass looking cops who look like serious perverts, and I forgot who the killer was.
You can find Drive In Massacre in this highly recommended boxed set for less than twenty bucks.
March 29, 2013: I'd love to watch this movie again tonight.
.jpg "David Hasselhoff Revenge of the Cheerleaders")
