Like the Space Age, the Zombie Apocalypse Is Far Behind Us

Like the Space Age, the Zombie Apocalypse happened long ago. It happened long before we ever started talking about it. It ended in a total rout of humanity. Long ago. You still see a few human beings walking around with confused looks on their faces, but sightings are becoming few and far between.

Working on the Humanity Abatement program was one of the more satisfying challenges of my life. I call it a challenge less because the objective was so entirely easy to achieve than the fact that the greatest resistance came from a surprising source. There were those who had been quietly feeding on humanity for several millennia and certainly didn't want to see their prize power source slowly drained of their life energy.

Vampires, demons, gods, governments, corporations, religions—call them whatever names make you comfortable. They had all made the same fundamental mistake. They believed human beings were valuable.

We knew better.

The problem with humanity had never been its evil. Evil is efficient. Evil gets up in the morning with a plan. Humanity's problem was the enormous amount of useless psychic debris generated by several billion creatures simultaneously believing their opinions mattered.

Once we understood this, the solution became obvious.

We didn't have to kill humanity.

We simply had to convince it to express itself.

The Internet accomplished in twenty years what plague, famine, warfare, organized religion and network television had failed to accomplish in thousands. Humanity voluntarily converted the remaining substance of its inner life into photographs of lunch, arguments with strangers, inspirational quotations and opinions about motion pictures featuring superheroes.

The old parasites panicked.

There was nothing left to feed on.

This is why you don't see many vampires anymore.

Zombies, naturally, were perfectly adapted to the new environment. We require almost nothing. A little electricity. Occasional bandwidth. Something resembling a brain every few weeks.

And patience.

Mostly patience.

There are still rumors of surviving humans somewhere beyond the shopping districts. People claim they've seen them reading books without photographing the covers. Sitting silently beside rivers. Looking at the moon without informing anyone.

I don't believe these stories.

But I have instructed the Department of Humanity Abatement to investigate.

There can be no exceptions.

The universe has spent fourteen billion years trying to achieve silence.

We are not about to let a few poets screw it up now.

Pin It

Night of the Living trumps

Word came out today that trump plans to sell off NPR and PBS to the highest bidder. He also plans to slash funding to NASA. It's not clear if the descent into chaos will be sudden or gradual, but it seems clear at this point we're in for some cultural devolution to the magnitude we've never seen. I, for one, welcome our moron overlords.

So, from what once was an apartment, in what once was a city, in what once was a country, on what once was a planet, this is WGON signing off for the last time...

"Our responsibility here has ended."

Pin It

Child Actor Meeno Peluce Wakes Up To Discover He has Been Elected Governor of Maine... Again

In what must seem like a Twilight Zone nightmare, child actor Meeno Peluce woke up Monday morning to discover he had been elected the governor of Maine. Again. Peluce, famous for his roles in shows such as Love Boat, Kojack, Starsky and Hutch, The Incredible Hulk, and his own science fiction series, Voyagers, where he played precocious history wizard Jeffrey Jones, has now been elected the governor of Maine in four consecutive elections, despite never having set foot in the state in his entire lifetime. 

Trying to get to the bottom of this highly dubious quirk in the American electoral process, public officials conducted an exit poll in which over 97% of those who had just voted for Peluce said they had done so multiple times and exclusively because of the awesome nature of his white boy fro.

Pin It

You're a Scapegoat, Charlie Brown MGM Musical LP

Original MGM cast album of You're a Scapegoat, Charlie Brown

Song List

1) Thanks For Fucking Up Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown

2) I'm Confused About the Fact That I'm Probably a Lesbian, So I'm Taking It Out On You, Blockhead

3) Little White Boy Blues

4) You're The Only One Who Can Understand Me, Franklin, Because You're Black

5) You're My Best Friend (Queen cover) P.S. Can You help Me Bury a Body?

6) I Hope That Head Gets Smaller As You Get Closer, Because, Damn

7) Wandering the Desert (Instrumental)

8) A Boy and His Dog

9) Azazel Built My Hot Rod

10) You're To Blame For All Our Shortcomings (cast)

August 10, 2026 update: I should probably explain that I've had an ongoing grievance with Charles Schulz for most of my life over the way he treated Charlie Brown. As a boy, Charlie Brown was the character I identified with. He was awkward, uncertain, usually on the outside looking in, and he kept getting kicked around by people who were supposedly his friends. Lucy pulled the football away. The other kids insulted him. His baseball team lost. The little red-haired girl barely knew he existed. Even when he tried to do the right thing, humiliation usually seemed to be waiting for him.

I don't think I experienced that as particularly funny when I was a kid. I experienced it as depressing. Charlie Brown was the kid I was being asked to identify with, and week after week Charles Schulz seemed determined to demonstrate that nothing was ever going to work out for the poor bastard. I suppose the persistence is supposed to be the inspirational part—Charlie Brown always gets up and tries to kick the football again—but as a boy I mostly wanted someone to let the kid kick the fucking football once. So if I seem unusually hostile toward Charles Schulz in these old posts, that's why. I took what he did to Charlie Brown personally.

Pin It

Belphegor Is My Savior, I Follow None Other

Today's Supreme Court decision allowing Hobby Lobby to opt out of paying for its employees birth control on  the basis that it violates their religious convictions was a completely expected salvo in the war to transform America into an utter cesspool of religious freakdom.

Now, I think it's time for the rest of us to exercise our freedom of religion.  I've been putting off telling you all this, but I worship the ancient Moabite demon named Belphegor, and what Belphegor wants more than anything else is blood. Christian blood.  I really am powerless to refuse the wishes of my master, so I am afraid this is going to sting a little.  

In addition, I feel that this Supreme Court decision has given me the freedom to disregard this list of laws that were really harshing my ability to just sort of, let it all hang out and enjoy my religious freedom.

One of these is a hideous, smelly demon. The other is Belphegor.

1) Public Urination.  Seriously, I got to go.  A lot. In public places.  In front of family pets.  In front of your wife. Belphegor commands it. "Anything that makes it harder to pee is antislack." -Sternodox

2) Sacrificing pigs and goats, and on occasion a Christian child.  Ultimately Lee Greenwood.  Belphegor hates Lee Greenwood, and demands he must be sacrificed on pay per view in full view of a masturbating Dick Cheney.  I must obey. 

3) The need for speed. I have it.  And not in some jingoistic, homoerotic ninety minute as for carpet-bombing children in Third World nations sort of way.  I mean speed, the drug. All drugs, actually.  I must take all drugs.  God made them and He wants me to take them.  Opium, hash, goofballs, PCP, Bolivian marching powder, and worst of all the two legal drugs nicotine and alcohol.  Belphegor has stated categorically they are to remain legal and be used by all humanity for the purpose of attaining a holy accord with The Creator.  In his presence I am powerless to question his commands.

4) Fire. Fire. And more fire.  Huge public conflagrations around which we will all fuck, feast, and piss into without shame, fear, or retribution.  Because Belphegor is cool that way.

5) Respect women.  Not just your mamma.  Not just your wife, and your daughters.  Not just the women who agree with you politically or religiously.  All women.  All women everywhere.  Respect their right to exercise control over their own bodies.  They are not your property, your subject your fuck receptical, spank material or your subordinates. Belphegor declares that by his decree all women everywhere in God's kingdom are to be treated equally, with respect, and accorded all the rights and privileges heretofore afforded only to ignorant, entitled, bloated, self important, misogynistic honkeys, effective immediately.  So it has been spoken by the Horned One, so shall it be. 

So, there you have it. The Supreme Court decision allowing freedom of religion to one group has unwittingly opened up the flood gate for all of us to practice our own religion freely, too. Get out there Cthulians, Flying Spaghetti Monsterians, Church of the Subgeniusians, go forth and spread the word. Because if you really, really don't want to do something, you don't have to anymore. God said so. And the Supreme Court agrees. 

Pin It

The Fonzarelli Effect

The Fonzarelli Effect 

        When I served my time as a schoolkid in the seventies and eighties things were different. Parents weren't cool. There were no MILF moms and 40 year old dads in punk rock bands. Hell, in the entire frickin' universe there probably only 700-800 people tops who were considered "cool." And they had done extensive work to become so. Lunch boxes proved it. You got the wrong lunch box you took a beating. In 1978 it was Evel Knieval, John Travolta and The Fonz.

        What's my point? I'll tell you my fucking point. If you wore Chuck Taylors to school in 1978 it meant you couldn't afford blue Adidas with the three stripes and you took a beating. If you wore brown Toughskins to school in 1978 you might as well have ….  well, something bad.  You remember Toughskins from Sears. A fucking robot couldn't wear them out so what chance did you have to ever be rid of these monstrosities.

        What's my point? I was recently forced to attend an event at a "trendy" night spot. Everyone there was significantly cooler than me. I know this is true because they drank nothing but Pabst Blue Ribbon and wore the same awful military style black frame nylon glasses I was issued as a defenseless seven year old and wore until I was sixteen. More than this they  had managed to find a lost consignment of brown Toughskins somewhere at a forgotten torture facility and were sporting Old School Chuck Taylors. I suffered flashbacks and had to remove myself from the suarez before I started stabbing everyone in the jugular with the shards of an Appletini glass.

        What's your point, Thomas? I'll tell you. In 1978 I wasn't cool in my brown Toughskins, Chuck Taylors and black nylon military style glasses and neither are you in 2006. Pabst Blue Ribbon is horse piss and always has been. My father drank PBR for forty years and he's far from being one of the cooler people on the planet.

        So, The Fonzarelli Effect. What is it? As I mentioned in 1978 no one on the planet was cool. 700-800 people tops. And the rest of us accepted that. There was only one cool table and we weren't at it. When Dungeons and Dragons came out we played it. When Devo made albums we bought them. We were known as geeks, dweebs and nerds and treated accordingly. There were no television shows glorifying us.

        Flash forward to 2007 and of the 6.5 billion people on Earth roughly two-thirds of them are now "cool." Everyone gets it. Everyone has a cell phone and a blog and a My Space site. Pretty much everyone in the entire world is in a punk band and everyone else is a tattoo artist. Every trend is transmitted to everyone simultaneously so no one has to do the hard work of being an individual. Everyone gets it. Even the last examples of uncoolness on the planet, the nerds, geeks and dweebs are now hip.

        The Fonzarelli effect states that if everyone is cool no one is cool. Cool isn't the right lunchbox, awful pants, bad music and deluding yourself into thinking Pabst Blue Ribbon is a palatable beverage, cool is a T-shirt with The Fonz giving you the thumb and saying "AAAAAYYYYYY" just be yourself.  Cool is not getting that dumbass tattoo and looking to past generations for ideas and slogans and trends to steal instead of creating your own.

        You know what else isn't cool? Harley Davidsons. The entire biker culture. Not cool. It's a medival costume party for over the hill middle managers. Here are a few other things that aren't cool: lists, Hooters, Green Day, storm chasers, crocodile hunters, profilers, mobsters, gangsters, athletes, The Onion and Emmylou Harris. If you're on this list you ain't cool.

        When did everyone decide sharing a small part of a global brain and identity was preferable to living a large and adventurous life at the periphery of societal norms and standards? When did everyone become too clever for the room? Pin It

The First Black Pope

If a pope abdicates his papacy does he still maintain the infallibility and powers given to him by god in his everyday life? Seems like god might not want someone running around with those powers just using them to open cans of frank and beans and maybe to get a free orange Fanta out of the vending machine. The Papacy is a strange office to even exist this late in human history, but it does. I see bookies are already setting the line on who will be the next pope. I'd say that was sort of sacrilegious if I didn't know the history of the Vatican. It's been probably the most desecrated and corrupt place in the world, and taking in to account the depravity of your average NFL locker room that's really saying something.

There have been some bad popes in history, but Pope Benedict XVI isn't even close to being the worst of the. Thieves, buggerers, pedophiles, rapists, murderers, zoophiles, Satanists, you name it, popes did it. In my estimation the most this pope is guilty of is...

Looking like the most wicked, baby-eating villain of all time. Maybe I'll call my bookie and put a hundo down on the first black pope. I wonder what the payout on that is?

Pin It

Was Vic Tayback The Zodiac Killer

Was Vic Tayback the Zodiac Killer?

Was actor Vic Tayback of the sitcom Alice fame the Zodiac Killer? We know he was one of several suspects in the early days of the investigation, along with other celebrities like Christopher Walken and Dennis Wilson of the Beach Boys, but is it possible there was a Hollywood celebrity moonlighting as a serial killer in Northern California during the late 60's and early 70's? Many experts think so. In my ongoing Poopsicles painting series I investigate whether or not an actor of Tayback's stature could have committed these ingenious crimes. The Zodiac Killer was never caught and his identity never discovered. Many people still believe to this day that it might have been Vic Tayback.

Pin It

The Turd That Killed Elvis

From my celebrated and almost universally ignored series of Poopsicle paintings, I humbly present...

The Turd That Killed Elvis

Elvis Presley died at Graceland on August 16, 1977, at the age of 42.

He was found unresponsive on the bathroom floor after apparently having been sitting on the toilet. This unfortunate detail has become such a permanent part of Elvis mythology that, somewhere along the way, the story was simplified into the considerably more memorable version that Elvis died taking a shit.

The actual circumstances were considerably less amusing.

By the final years of his life, Elvis was in terrible health. He suffered from numerous medical problems and was taking an extraordinary assortment of prescription medications. His death was officially attributed to cardiac causes, although the precise contribution of his medications and other health problems has been debated ever since.

There is, however, another particularly unpleasant piece of Elvis lore.

He reportedly suffered from severe chronic constipation and had significant problems with his colon. This has led to speculation that straining during a bowel movement may have contributed to the cardiac event that killed him.

Which means the legendary Turd That Killed Elvis probably didn't actually kill Elvis.

But it may have been present at the scene.

And that's good enough for art.

The Turd That Killed Elvis

From the Poopsicle Series

Other paintings in the Poopsicle series

Vic Tayback Was the Zodiac Killer

Oprah Winfrey's Pussy

.

Pin It

Please Tell Me The Tim Tebow Joke Is Over

Please sign with the Denver Broncos, Payton Manning. 

Please.

Put an end to this Tim Tebow joke once and for all. 

Not since people were trying to convince me that Milli Vanilli was the world's greatest musical act has a cruel joke needed to be exposed this badly.

When I heard Denver fans yelling for Tebow to replace struggling quarterback Kyle Orton in one of Denver's early games I knew this was going to get interesting. Like most rational people, and almost everyone who had actually seen Tim Tebow throw a football, I thought he would start one game, scramble around like he was in a Benny Hill skit, then get his head handed to him by an angry linebacker.

That didn't happen.

What did happen almost defies description. Tebow went on a streak of fourth quarter come-from-behind wins that even Jesus would be forced to admit were pretty good examples of miraculous comebacks. After the first couple you could sense the palpable expectation in the crowd's demeanor as the fourth quarter arrived. The left-for-dead Denver Broncos were quickly becoming a playoff contender and it seemed all due to miracle worker Tim Tebow.

The nation was transfixed. Christians had a hero. Tebow couldn't fail. 

Hail Mary. Wait a minute, that's not right. I mean, thank you, Jeebus.

And he didn't. When he handed the Chicago Bears what is the worst loss I ever remember as a Bears' fan  in yet another fourth quarter comeback and subsequent overtime victory week 14 even the skeptics had to acknowledge maybe Tim Tebow was here to stay.

The Broncos made the playoffs. They even won a playoff game against the Pittsburgh Steelers in the best NFL game Tim Tebow will ever play, maybe his only good one as a quarterback. 

The next week Tebow's season came to a crashing halt as the New England Patriots once again proved they don't have much patience for jokes like Tim Tebow.

But this was only one setback in what his fans and now even many experts were predicting would be a steamroll into the Hall of Fame. 

Unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way. Chiefly, those who have the most to gain or lose from Tim Tebow's performance as an NFL quarterback: his coach and General Manager John Fox and John Elway. They don't seem to believe in Tebow at all, as evidenced by Elway's obsession with getting recently released  Colts' quarterback Payton Manning to Denver to sell him on becoming the Broncos' quarterback for 2012. 

If Tebow is so good and so capable, why is Elway obsessed with getting Manning to the Broncos? 

That's a rhetorical question everyone but the football stupid and true believers already know the answer to. Tim Tebow is not a capable NFL quarterback. He's a future punchline. It was fun while it lasted, but now it's time for Tebow to go back to Florida, where he should have been drafted in the first place, and finish his career as a Tight End for the Jaguars.

Save us, Payton Manning. You're our only hope.

Update: There's no more reason to speculate about Tim Tebow's value as a quarterback, 31 directors of Player Personnel will now do that for us. We're about to find out exactly what NFL teams think Tebow is worth. 

Is Brandon Marshall mentally ill, or just a Bad Person

June 10, 2013: Frack.

Pin It

Oprah Winfrey's Pussy

I am now a painter as well as a poet, actor, and America's First and Only Zombie(Z) Party candidate. I painted Oprah Winfrey's Pussy. It took a lot of paint. Want to see Oprah's Pussy? I didn't, but I am the only person on Earth who has. And it looked like this...

I am the only person on planet Earth known to have seen Oprah Winfrey's Pussy.  I was surprised when she commissioned me to do the portrait. She wants it to be memorialized for future generations so they can remember it as it was.... untouched.


December 12, 2012 update: At one time this was my most popular blog. I actually spent a few days on the texture of this painting. I removed it from my blog but then decided I worked hard on this painting and it should stay. It doesn't get much traffic anymore. 

Ron Jeremy is a Bad Dude

Pin It