Grow Up, Patrick Kane, and Stop Looking Like Morris Wanchuk

When pictures surfaced of a Madison frat house bender Chicago Blackhawk's player Patrick Kane went on last weekend, the initial response on talk radio and from most bloggists and even reporters was the classic "boys being boys." There were a few voices suggesting that maybe Kaner's time might better be spent hitting the weight room so he doesn't get his skinny ass bullied all over the ice again next year, but by and large most commentators defended it as just the harmless antics of a young star in his prime. In fact, Deadspin, who carried the story first, was criticized by many for trying to get mileage out of a non-story. But that non-story became a story later in the week when witnesses came forward to claim Kane had made an insufferable ass of himself (again), going so far as to choke one woman and spew anti-Semitic remarks before being asked to move along by police.

Kane does the walk of no shame in Madison.

But this wasn't the first time Kane has been involved in violent, disorderly behavior seemingly induced from his apparent penchant for black-out drinking. In August of 2009 Kane and his cousin beat up and robbed a cabdriver of twenty cents in an alcohol-fueled incident in Kane's home town of Buffalo. This incident was largely not accepted by Blackhawk fans or writers, most of which condemned the then twenty year old phenom's behavior, many wondering if he was right for Chicago. But scoring the winning goal in the 2010 Stanley Cup Championship bought Kane a whole lot of good faith in Chicago, and by most reports (or at least non-reports) he was behaving himself, even setting a good example for the young Blackhawk prospects. 

                                                                         Until last weekend.

So, the kid's getting boozed up and acting the fool, no big deal, really. Except that he's a little undersized and bad habits probably aren't going to do much to help him from getting pushed around on the ice. But once reports came out that he had wrapped both hands around a woman's throat until she screamed, then hurled anti-Semitic epithets into the ether, then was asked to leave by the Madison police it was clear there is more to this story, and Kane's unfortunate habit of seeming to assault people while drunk. In 2009 Kane plead guilty to the charge of noncriminal disorderly conduct in the assault against that cab driver, so he has a documented history of documented violence, at least off the ice. This writer would feel like a raving hypocrite after raising questions about Brandon Marshall's character if I didn't say I think Patrick Kane needs help. I don't think his behavior is normal, acceptable, or just a young man being a young man. I think it's the behavior of someone who is not in control of his anger. No word has been issued if charges will be filed in these incidents, but we now have a track record on Kane. We can no longer just say he's blowing off steam or just enjoying the carefree perks of being young, rich, and single. He seems to have a problem. 

And I think part of his problem is displayed in the previous two photographs. He feels no shame about being a drunken ass. He advertises the fact with a Tshirt I heard a whole lot of people say was funny and showed how fun-loving and unabashed Kane is about his persona as a hard-partying star. Probably all of us have overdone it. And I'm guessing most of us have woken up and wished we hadn't done some foolish thing the night before, but in Patrick Kane that sense of regret and shame seems to be missing. i think that's a rather serious problem. A problem I've seen catch up with a whole lot of people in life who felt bulletproof. 

Maybe nothing will come from these new charges of drunken violence against Kane. Maybe Patrick Kane will "grow up." I encourage the reader to scan their memory banks and think of people in their own lives who have gone through similar issues with alcohol and violence. I'm guessing there are a lot of bad endings to these stories, and maybe some stories of redemption and accepting responsibility. So, to all the writers, talk show hosts, callers, and bloggists who jumped on the early bandwagon to dismiss Kane's latest outburst as harmless, perhaps in the future you'll wait until you see the fallout of irresponsible behavior before you cover it up. Sports already gets enough of a black eye from stories of violence against women, drug abuse, and early demises brought on by acting the fool for anyone to turn a blind eye to a young man with a clear problem that needs to be addressed.

There have to be some rules in life. At least for reasonable people, and one of these would seem to be the fun ends when the police show up. People who continue after that have a problem.

Anyone else noticing that Patrick Kane bears a strong resemblance to Morris Wanchuck from Slap Shot, one of the great perverts in movie history?

How about now? Actor Brad Sullivan as an older version of The Kaner?

Why I was right about Brandon Marshall, too

                                                                                      

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Please Tell Me The Tim Tebow Joke Is Over

Please sign with the Denver Broncos, Payton Manning. 

Please.

Put an end to this Tim Tebow joke once and for all. 

Not since people were trying to convince me that Milli Vanilli was the world's greatest musical act has a cruel joke needed to be exposed this badly.

When I heard Denver fans yelling for Tebow to replace struggling quarterback Kyle Orton in one of Denver's early games I knew this was going to get interesting. Like most rational people, and almost everyone who had actually seen Tim Tebow throw a football, I thought he would start one game, scramble around like he was in a Benny Hill skit, then get his head handed to him by an angry linebacker.

That didn't happen.

What did happen almost defies description. Tebow went on a streak of fourth quarter come-from-behind wins that even Jesus would be forced to admit were pretty good examples of miraculous comebacks. After the first couple you could sense the palpable expectation in the crowd's demeanor as the fourth quarter arrived. The left-for-dead Denver Broncos were quickly becoming a playoff contender and it seemed all due to miracle worker Tim Tebow.

The nation was transfixed. Christians had a hero. Tebow couldn't fail. 

Hail Mary. Wait a minute, that's not right. I mean, thank you, Jeebus.

And he didn't. When he handed the Chicago Bears what is the worst loss I ever remember as a Bears' fan  in yet another fourth quarter comeback and subsequent overtime victory week 14 even the skeptics had to acknowledge maybe Tim Tebow was here to stay.

The Broncos made the playoffs. They even won a playoff game against the Pittsburgh Steelers in the best NFL game Tim Tebow will ever play, maybe his only good one as a quarterback. 

The next week Tebow's season came to a crashing halt as the New England Patriots once again proved they don't have much patience for jokes like Tim Tebow.

But this was only one setback in what his fans and now even many experts were predicting would be a steamroll into the Hall of Fame. 

Unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way. Chiefly, those who have the most to gain or lose from Tim Tebow's performance as an NFL quarterback: his coach and General Manager John Fox and John Elway. They don't seem to believe in Tebow at all, as evidenced by Elway's obsession with getting recently released  Colts' quarterback Payton Manning to Denver to sell him on becoming the Broncos' quarterback for 2012. 

If Tebow is so good and so capable, why is Elway obsessed with getting Manning to the Broncos? 

That's a rhetorical question everyone but the football stupid and true believers already know the answer to. Tim Tebow is not a capable NFL quarterback. He's a future punchline. It was fun while it lasted, but now it's time for Tebow to go back to Florida, where he should have been drafted in the first place, and finish his career as a Tight End for the Jaguars.

Save us, Payton Manning. You're our only hope.

Update: There's no more reason to speculate about Tim Tebow's value as a quarterback, 31 directors of Player Personnel will now do that for us. We're about to find out exactly what NFL teams think Tebow is worth. 

Is Brandon Marshall mentally ill, or just a Bad Person

June 10, 2013: Frack.

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Ryan Braun Cheated. Then He Lied About Cheating.

Recently I was trying to explain to an eight year old what Hamlet meant when he said "The Lady doth protest too much." Listening to Milwaukee Brewers' Ryan Braun go on and on about how he was erroneously accused of using performance enhancing drugs by Major League Baseball and how he is a paragon of truth, virtue and steadfastness victimized by a process that was out to get him is the absolute embodiment of what I was trying to explain to the child. He goes on and on and on about how he didn't do it. 

I think he did do it. And I think Lance Armstrong did it, and I also believe a vast majority of all professional athletes are still using performance enhancing drugs. What needs to be stated about the testing in all sports is that you can't test for what the athletes are now taking with a urinalysis. Even the dimmest athlete is now using Test or HGH and those can only be tested by drawing blood. In the case of Major League Baseball and all other major sports, there is no way blood testing is coming soon, so there is no way to know how many athletes in major sports are cheating. On occasion a player will test positive for steroids, which most bodybuilders and athletes quit using over a decade ago. The biochemistry and the cheaters are so far ahead of the testing ability that it's a joke to even say any athlete is even being tested for Performance Enhancing Drugs.

Ryan Braun tested positive for a PED. What you need to know is no one is denying that. He did it. He got caught. And now children have to listen to a cheater lecture children about being honest, fair, and forthright. This is a problem in America. Lies becoming truth. The evasion of responsibilty for wrong-doing by sophistry, appealing to technicalities and legal loopholes. 

You are not a victim, Ryan Braun. You are a cheater, and now you are a liar. A scary form of liar who is willing to go the extra mile to convince others that nothing you ever did or will do is wrong. You don't fool me, though. You took Performance Enhancing Drugs and you were so stupid that you were one of the few who got caught with the primitive methods employed to test for them. Rather than exonerating you, any reasonable person should be left wondering if you got caught by a urine test, what would a blood test discover? 

Many to most Americans will sadly buy your fake show of outrage, but not this reporter. I know a liar when I hear one, and a cheater when I see one. You sirrah , are both. 

In a press conference moments ago http://abcnews.go.com/Sports/wireStory/brewers-ryan-braun-cleared-camp-15784010#.T0fVi_GPWBo  Ryan Braun proclaimed that "Truth had prevailed." sadly, exactly the opposite was true. Lies, scumbaggery and evasion of responsibilty for bad behavior prevailed. This is becoming the trend in America. Cheat all you want. Lie all you want. Use technicalities and red tape to evade responsiblity. We have to change. Because I'm afraid people are losing the ability to know what is true and what is not. You can't live in a society without truth. It's going to get ugly if we don't change.

My opinion. 

Buster Posey named N.L. MVP over Ryan Braun.

Update December 11, 2012. It did my heart good to see Ryan Braun finish second in the MVP voting to Buster Posey. There's too much sentiment that the steroid era is behind us going around. With the advent of HGH and Testosterone creams that disappear from the bloodstream in eight hours I doubt hardly anyone will be caught until the testing procedures become more advanced. I'm not saying there won't be a few idiots who still do get caught, but it's hard to get caught with the new chemistry. Don't misunderstand the lack of those getting caught for those who are still cheating.

Update June 6, 2013: Let's see how he worms his way out of this one.


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