I Was Here

Going to spend the night here at Zombie Logic Press headquarters on the Holmes Block. Just rented Enter the Devil on Amazon video. Haven't written a word here in two months. Not a damn thing to say about anything going on. I play Dungeons and Dragons on Tuesdays, and nothing that happens in those sessions strikes me as any more bizarre and surreal that was has happened around me this year.

We got a piano this week. And a roll top desk much like the one my parents had in their home. Nothing fancy, just a department store style roll top desk, but when I saw it at the thrift store I knew I had to have it. Been looking for five years now, and this one just appeared when we were trying to waste a few minutes browsing on our way to something else. I bought her a piano and she bought me a desk.

Night of the Living Dead has been on a constant loop on the VHS lately when I'm here at the apartment. 

recently I stopped collecting vinyl records and started collecting cassette tapes instead, for a couple of reasons. First, vinyl records are just too expensive, and I never really liked them in the first place. I was happy when cassettes, then compact disks came along. I just wanted listening to the records at all, but I have no fear about putting a five dollar cassette in my boombox and listening to something like Van Halen or Tom Petty.

Enter the Devil is a really effective and unique low budget horror movie shot in Texas in the early 70's. A nice addition to the Satanic cult genre that was so en vogue then. And a unique take on it. 

I was here.

P.S. The Devil never does enter Pin It

Elvira's Movie Macabre Season 1 Episode 28: Legacy of Blood

"Tonight's movie is Legacy of Blood. Legacy is an Italian word. Like, this is my leg yacee? And this is my other leg yacee?"

Movie Macabre intro to Legacy of Blood. April 10, 1982

I'm very excited because this is the first time since I saw any of the original episodes in the early 80's as a teenager that I will be watching one of the original broadcasts as it aired then, with Elvira's intro to the movie and pop-up comments (hopefully). So far all of the reviews I have done of Movie Macabre episodes have been of the movies themselves, without the intro or Elvira's segments. I found a handful of the episodes at ShoutFactory. I have never been able to find a complete episode of Elvira's Movie Macabre anywhere else before this. I wonder if they all exist somewhere. 

This movie, Legacy of Blood, also known as Will To Die, aired originally on April 10, 1982, and was episode 28 of season 1. The show had already become a runaway hit by this point. I know Legacy of Blood primarily because it was included in the horror compilation Drive-In Movie Classics. 

Legacy of Blood begins with the most cliche of premises: the children of a wealthy man assemble to hear the reading of the will, which (of course) stipulates they must stay at the estate for at least a week or get nothing, and if one of them dies, the remaining portion of the 136 million dollars shall be divided among the survivors. If all the children dies, his faithful three servants get the dough. I wonder what will happen next.

Reading IMDB reviews as I try to slog through the film one more time, I find that I disagree with most of the reviews. I enjoy this film. true, I watched several times at a time in my life when I had nothing else to watch, but I like it.

This guy is in the movie. His name is Igor. I'd have to say he's an obvious cypher as the killer. Maybe he is. I honestly don't remember. 

This is also something that apparently happens in the movie, but I don't recall this either. I think it happens when they come downstairs late at night to make a roast beef sandwich and this guy's head is in the fancy platter. I think there's also an electrocution and the dog bites it and someone gets poisoned and at the end someone is going to get the money even though they just killed seven people and no one is ever supposed to investigate that. All of that improbability taken into account, I'm a sucker for the house and the estate this is filmed on. They have a really nice pool table, and twenty minutes in Elvira hasn't said anything yet. 

"Sheesh. Just give a guy an inch..." 23:35

At about 1:04:30 mark Elvira says "This is getting a little heavy. Time for a musical interlude," then there is about a sixty second montage synched up to the Elvira theme. Then, unfortunately, more movie.

One more break at 1:12:48 to lament her life as a horror movie host, then back for the gripping finish to Will To Die, err, Legacy of Blood.

At 1:23:00 Elvira is back to read letters from ladies and their bad dating experiences. "I don't trust a man who let's his dog eat cabbage." "I don't trust a man who sleeps with his socks on." "I don't trust a man who likes to sit on his umbrella (triple rim shot)." etc then she ends the segment by being hit with rotten vegetables.  

I think at the end of the movie it even turns out that John Carradine is alive. Maybe. 

Elvira returns one last time for the post mortem to rightfully point out that the movie is both dumb and the ending is one of the biggest cliches in movie history. "I get paid for watching this garbage, but what's your excuse?"

I don't think it's a good idea if I answer that question. 

Unpleasant dreams. 

Executive producer Dick Johnson? Of course he is. 

Only two things could have made this more fun: if I were fourteen again, and if my six year old weren't somewhere behind me the whole time. 

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Elvira's Movie Macabre, Season 1, Episode 3: The House That Screamed

The first three episodes of Elvira's Movie Macabre were a rather radical departure from the later tenor of the series in that they were fairly serious horror movies, complete with sex, gore, and violence, while later episodes became known for the campy movie choices like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Cassandra Peterson herself is known to not be a fan of slasher movies, or extreme violence, so the first three movies: Grave of the Vampire, Silent Night, Deadly Night, and The House That Screamed are unusual. A possible explanation for this is that Movie Macabre was a runaway hit right off the bat, and rather than ask for more money Cassandra Peterson asked for more creative control and licensing rights. It turned out to be a genius move for her because getting away from hardcore horror and graduating to lighter, more humorous movies was one factor that made Elvira's Movie Macabre a legendary hit.

So, The House That Screamed.

Typical Spanish macho sexploitation garbage. Didn't like it. Have never actually been able to sit through it, but my New Year's resolution is to watch and blog about every movie in the Movie Macabre series, and this was the third one.

Lilli Palmer owns and runs a school for wayward girls in France. Her absolute discipline has fostered a social order among the girls with rampant sex, lesbianism and torture the norm. Palmer also has an adolescent son (Moulder Brown) she tries to keep isolated from the young women lest he be tainted by sexual relations; She explains that he must wait for a girl "just like his mother". Meanwhile, girls are "running away" (being murdered) one by one, with their corpses and any evidence of their outcome not to be found.

The House That Screamed? More like the House That Screamed typical Catholic rape fantasy misogyny. One of my least favorite episodes of Movie Macabre. 

Episode 2: Silent Night, Bloody Night

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Thanks For the Clicks, Comrades

Thanks for all the clicks, comrades. Here's the news of the evening:

Actor Bernard Fox has died. He is most famous for portraying Dr. Bombay in Bewitched.

Paging Dr. Bombay

But that's not the way I'm remembering him tonight. For me his most memorable performance is in a low budget horror anthology titled Alien Zone. It was shot in Stillwater, Oklahoma and released in 1978. The movie would probably have been forgotten entirely if it hadn't been re-released by Mill Creek a decade or so ago in one of their collections. In Alien Zone, also known as House of the Dead, Fox plays a detective matching wits with another famous detective, an obvious imitation of Peter Falk's Columbo. Although not technically a horror story, the two battle to see which can outwit the other.

Everything

Everything’s looted, betrayed and traded,
black death’s wing’s overhead.
Everything’s eaten by hunger, unsated,
so why does a light shine ahead?

By day, a mysterious wood, near the town,
breathes out cherry, a cherry perfume.
By night, on July’s sky, deep, and transparent,
new constellations are thrown.

And something miraculous will come
close to the darkness and ruin,
something no-one, no-one, has known,
though we’ve longed for it since we were children.
Anna Akhmatova




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Beware! The Blob

The third and final, and by far the best movie of the night is Beware! The Blob, directed by Larry Hagman of Dallas and I Dream of Jeannie fame. It is once again a much maligned film due to the fact that it has almost nothing to do with the original The Blob, and is a vast departure in both tone and content. Which is what makes it so fun. Beware! The Blob is actually a Hippie romp with an all star cast and a surprise soundtrack by Mort Garson. This was my first encounter with the Moog synthesizer work of Garson, and I am already on Ebay bidding on this gem...

Black Mass Lucifer by Mort Garson

As for the movie itself, I'm fifty minutes through, and it's just a romp. Makes no damn sense, and doesn't care to. There is a red blob in the movie that has escaped and is showing up randomly devouring people, but that doesn't seem to putting a damper on the party.

I have just gotten to the part of the movie where I suspect the Blob is about to consume Burgess Meredith and Larry Hagman, who are portraying bums. Then I believe it will head on to terrorize the party guests at this rager that broke out. 

No real graphic violence in this movie so far, but there was a very depressing scene where they ran over a bunch of cases of Miller High Life. I thought that was gratuitous and uncalled for. 

Or don't it's really not going to matter.

Oh, I forgot, and I know since I read ahead that the Blob makes a detour and eats a pack of Boy Scouts led by Dick Van Patten. Also, that actor named Gerrit Graham, who you might remember as Bud the CHUD and a bout a million other appearances plays a douche dressed in a gorilla costume. I'll let you know if he gets eaten. Wait a minute, wait a minute, now the Blob is going to a bowling alley. 

Fun stuff.

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Zombie Logic's Incredibly Brief Movie Reviews: The Keeper

I started early tonight with what Jenny and I refer to as the "crummy movies" because I'd like to get in as many as possible. The movie is actually one I'll be finishing from last night titled The Keeper.

The Keeper is a low budget horror film released in 1976 and shot in Vancouver, British Columbia. It is one of those films that is not remembered kindly by those who bother to remember it, and I think one of the primary reasons for that is that for reasons no one can explain (probably cash), Christopher Lee stars in the movie. Not just a quick cameo, but he's actually in the movie. He plays The Keeper, the keeper of an asylum where family members of wealthy families are kept, and meet nefarious ends at the hands of the maniacal Keeper, who sits at his mysterious console and and doles out punishment via mind control and hypnotism to the inmates, and really anyone who comes to save them.

Christopher Lee at his console of terror in the 1976 movie The Keeper

Like I said, if you want a bad review of The Keeper, you can find it easily somewhere else. It's altogether an off kilter production from a crew that hadn't done much before, and didn't do a whole lot after. I watched it mostly as I was doing other things and cleaning the apartment. I like how the console is built into what looks like a roll top desk, so thumbs up from me. 

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Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things: Two Incantations To Call Forth Satan and Raise the...

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things: Two Incantations To Call Forth Satan and Raise the...: The Satanic incantation Alan utters after the offering of baby blood Oh Great Diviner, Master of the Three Worlds, disciple who becam...

August 10, 2026 update: One of the lingering questions I still have about this movie after having it consistently in my VCR since 1990 is which character's summoning actually calls forth the zombies: Alan's or Val's? Because one might get the feeling it's Val's execration of Satan that does the trick, but later in the movie the counterspell that actually makes the zombies temporarily retreat is to Alan's original spell.


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Peopletoys (1974)

Actress Gail Smale, whose only movie was Peopletoys. Yes, she is albino.

Peopletoys is a 1974 movie that is impressive to me as an example of sure-handed professionalism triumphing over half-ass irresponsibilty. The half-ass irresponsibility in this case came from original director Sean MacGregor, who gets full credit for directing Peopletoys despite doing little else except fucking everything up, sleeping with an underage actress, and fighting with the writer and producer for setting flame to their hard work. MacGregor was so bad that he was fired and veteran tv producer David Sheldon was brought in to help salvage the production. Which he did. Despite having to reshoot a lot of the footage in another location, and bring back actors whose physical appearance had changed, including a nubile Leif Garrett, who had to don a wig because he had already dyed his hair for another production, Sheldon finished Peopletoys, also known as Devil Times Five, and Tantrums.  

Hell ya, that's Boss Hogg. Sorrelle Booke. "Goodnight, Harvey Beckman."

A lot of good scholarship has been done on Peopletoys. I've only ever seen one negative review, and that person seemed like kind of an idiot. The most amazing part of this movie to me is that it got finished at all. Most movies Sean MacGregor started never did, including the one with Vanna White, the one with the only known footage of her breastesses, or at least one breast, that is still credited to director Alan Smithee to this day, although it was the infamous MacGregor that raised a couple mildo of investor money, including the wife of a famous actor, and a future California gubernatorial candidate, then melted down, and ended up getting sued by everyone but Hupy and Abraham for misrepresenting himself. The legal battle went on so long that by the time it came to a head Vanna White and the rich governor-type had become all proper Conservatives and just wanted the piece of trash buried in a landfill. 

I watched Peopletoys again last night from my 50 Chilling Classics video that I've had a long time. The continuity errors, inexplicable scene changes, and feeling of disjointment are apparent if you're looking for them, or even if you're not. Knowing the troubled history of this movie only makes me like it more. I'm actually going to put it in tonight in the background and watch. I love the ski lodge location. The fact that at the beginning of the movie you see guests who are leaving for the season as the characters arrive to take over during the off season. Sound familiar? This movie is whack, and over the top with boobs, catfights, a cross-dressing adolescent, an albino actress fucking the director, who melts down, checks into a mental institution, and ends up 40 years later working as a stage hand in Hollywood. Whatever happened to Gail Smale? Pin It

Satan's Children: An Early Seventies Tribute To Satan, Homophobia, and Molly Hatchet

Satan's Children, Just your typical early 70's tract about Satan, queers, and Molly Hatchet. Here's how it breaks down.

Same old story: Bobby Douglas, not the Bears' quarterback, is a teen in Florida, living with his step- dad and step- sister, presumably after his mother has died. He's not really welcome in the home anymore, and is used primarily as a servant. His step-sister especially likes to torment him, like in this scene where she taunts him about his small penis, then later spills the beans about Bobby's secret marijuana stash at the dinner table, prompting Bobby to snap and run away from home. 

He dejectedly wanders the streets as sappy music lets us know this is sad wandering time. He enters a diner and gets hit on by an old queer. It is here we start to learn someone really has a bad feeling about gays. He is saved by a young macho dude just in time, taken for an exhilarating motorcycle ride, and invited back to his place to crash. It seems like a godsend. Maybe this guy will show Bobby the ropes and make an upstanding citizen out of him. For sure it's better than going down the trail of queerdom, right?

Wrong. Here's Bobby being gang queer-raped by the members of Molly Hatchet, three years before the release of their self-titled debut album. They decide after an evening of Flirting With Disaster that they're done with Bobby, and roll him out of the car at about forty miles an hour, where he fortunately ends up...

In a Satanic Hippie cult's backyard. These twat cannons like doing things like burying people in sand and covering them in syrup for the ants to enjoy, and hanging whoever it seems is out of vogue with satan this week. These are jerkoffs, but one thing everyone can agree on is gays are bad, especially satan. I never knew this, butsatan hates homosexuality, and Bobby is not welcome at the commune, even though one of the girls has taken a shine to him. She's the one buried here.

There's a whiz bang finish here. Lots of action. Bobby gets even. I won't ruin the fun by detailing the gruesome events. His sister does apparently find out what his penis size really is. 

Then everything ends on a real happy note as the cult members revel in this extended crucifixion scene of someone who has engaged in no injurious behavior to them or satan. 

The story of the making of the movie is rather interesting in itself. Back in the fall of 1973, longtime WTVT director Joe Wiezycki decided to return to his dream of directing an honest-to-gosh low-budget feature, shot entirely in the Tampa Bay area, using local cast and crew.  His first effort five years earlier was called "Willy's Gone."  It ended badly when the film failed to gain adequate distribution.  Making matters worse, the film's investors were all Channel 13 employees...each contributing $1,000.  But Joe was determined to prevail and become the Alfred Hitchcock of Tampa Bay. - from Making of satan's children

Long story short, he made the movie. I'm watching it right now. It's entertaining as hell, but the homophobia is a bit offputting, and Satanists always seem to make jackasses out of themselves when portrayed in cinema. Go ahead and give this pig a ride. You'll probably like it.  Pin It

Zombie Logic's Incredibly Brief Movie Reviews: Simon, King of the Witches

Last week I watched Simon, King of the Witches twice. Loved it both times. I'll probably watch it again soon when I'm at the apartment.

The 1971 movie stars Andrew Prine, and yes, he is a cousin of folk legend John Prine, as a twenty-something layabout who lives in a sewer and makes magic charms and trinkets for cynical party goers. Except Simon is a magician. A real magician who practices ceremonial magic and aspires to become a demi-god. When Simon is arrested for vagrancy, and how didn't he see that coming, he is befriended by a young male prostitute named Turk (George Paulsin). Turk introduces Simon to his world of drugs, wild parties, and hysterical Wiccan rituals featuring a goat and Andy Warhol star Ultra Violet. Death and mayhem ensue, along with romance for Simon with the district attorney's daughter (Brenda Scott).

The witchcraft and esoterica described in this movie is no mumbo jumbo, as Frank Langella's character says in The Ninth Gate. The screenwriter, Robert Phippeny, was well-versed in witchcraft, and the movie side-steps a lot of the cliches associated with the genre, while simultaneously satirizing several others rather ascerbically. 

Near the end of the movie, Simon's plan to use sex magic to attain godlike power is thwarted when he must use his power instead to seek vengeance on "the man" who has been harassing his drug dealer and counter-culture friends. Things get trippy. The demon Moloch is invoked, and we all know what happens after that. But if you'd like to know, check out Simon, King of the Witches. 

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Class Reunion Massacre

Class Reunion Massacre T.G. Finkbinder

You wonder why some movies were ever made. The ones that perplex me most are the one-off movies made by a team of directors, writers, and actors who never tried to make another movie again. Electraglide In Blue is a recent example I saw. There are dozens of others. When the movie happens to be good it just adds to the question "Why did they just make one movie?" I have friends who make movies, and I know the process is so brutal and exhausting that it seems impossible anyone could ever do it without a passion for the process. The Redeemer: Son of Satan is far more than just a competent first movie from a creative team that got lucky: it's a good movie, period. So why did writer William Vernick and director Constantine Gochis never even attempt to make another movie again? I have no idea.

Only two members of the crew of Redeemer: Son of Satan went on to work in the business at all. Actress Jeanetta Arnette, who plays Cindy, and T.G. Finkbinder, who plays the Redeemer himself. Finkbinder found his was into a couple of roles as an extra, but soon gave up the movie business and is now an English teacher. He's the one pictured in the scene above, my favorite, which demonstrates a couple of the factors that make this movie enduringly successful. The setting is perfect, and not at all wasted by the director and art direction. It was shot in a military academy, and although the school is supposed to have been abandoned for a decade in the film, it has a perfectly maintained grounds, Olympic sized pool, and auditorium. 

This is Redeemer, Jr. He stars in a concurrent storyline involving kids who sing a church choir. Overall the story is pretty standard, and doesn't allow facts or continuity to get in the way of the fun. It has been pointed out elsewhere this movie has a meanstreak, and I suppose that is true. The six people singled out in the beginning for punishment of their sins by The Redeemer might be jerks, or worse, but probably are no better or worse than everyone else on the planet. They really haven't done anything that would warrant being sentenced to summary execution by a religious nut, and it if it's even explained how this guy even knows them to have known who they were or what sins they were committing ten years after graduation I didn't see it. But those are the quibbles. And if you're a fan of B genre horror of the 70's you have to see this movie.  Pin It

Karen Black and The Zuni Fetish Doll From Trilogy of Terror

Who is the most frightening movie villain of all time?

The question gets asked endlessly, and everyone has an answer: Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface.

But to a five-year-old boy watching Trilogy of Terror on ABC, there could only be one answer.

The Zuni Fetish Doll.

That little freak scared the hell out of me.

Trilogy of Terror was a 1975 television anthology starring Karen Black in three different stories. The one everybody remembers is the final segment, "Amelia," in which Black's character brings home a small wooden Zuni warrior doll as a gift. The little bastard comes to life and spends much of the story racing around her apartment trying to kill her.

It was terrifying.

The fact that the doll was tiny somehow made things worse. A full-sized monster had to come through the door. The Zuni doll could be anywhere.

Under the bed.

Behind a chair.

Under the couch.

I am not exaggerating when I say that movie affected my willingness to reach underneath a couch until I was about 27 years old.

Anyone who remembers Trilogy of Terror probably remembers the ending. Karen Black crouched on the floor, transformed, grinning horribly as she repeatedly drove a large knife into the floor.

That's the image the movie leaves you with.

Karen Black died today.

She appeared in well over 100 films during an extraordinary career that included Easy Rider, Five Easy Pieces, The Great Gatsby and Nashville. I can never forget the final scene of Five Easy Pieces, when she comes out of the diner and discovers what has happened.

Later in her career she became a familiar presence in low-budget and independent horror, but she had already earned a permanent place in the genre through movies such as Burnt Offerings and Trilogy of Terror. Decades later she appeared in Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses.

But I'll always associate Karen Black with that little wooden monster.

It's strange how childhood fear works. You eventually understand that it's a prop. You learn about actors and directors and special effects. You can watch the movie as an adult and see exactly how everything was accomplished.

None of that entirely matters.

Somewhere in my brain, the Zuni Fetish Doll is still under the couch.

And I'm still not reaching under there.

Repose en paix, Karen Black.

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I'm Gonna Get You Two Scoops Sucka

Blacula 1972

I'm Gonna Get You Two Scoops Sucka

I scream
You scream
Scream Blacula scream
For ice cream




Blacula is a 1972 American horror film produced for American International Pictures. It was directed by William Crain and stars William Marshall in the title role about an 18th century African prince named Mamuwalde, who is turned into a vampire by Count Dracula and later locked inside a coffin by the Count after a party at the latter's castle in Transylvania that he attended with his wife Luva (Vonetta McGee). Two centuries later, the now-undead Mamuwalde rises from his coffin attacking various residents in modern day Los Angeles, the first two being the interior decorators who unknowingly release him after purchasing and bringing his coffin from Dracula's castle in Transylvania. Mamuwalde later meets Tina (also played by Vonetta McGee), a woman he believes to be the reincarnation of his deceased wife Luva.



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Equinox: The Movie That Helped Inspire Evil Dead

By many accounts, the low budget movie Equinox, originally shot in 1967, but not released until 1970, inspired the  creative team responsible for Evil Dead quite a lot. Four young adults – Dave, Susan, Jim and Jim's girlfriend – head into the woods to look for a lost scientist, Dr. Arthur Waterman. The friends have a picnic and glimpse a mysterious castle in the woods. They find that Dr. Waterman's cabin seems to have been destroyed. A forest ranger, who is Asmodeus in human form, watches over the teenagers. 

When the group stumbles into a cave, a strange old man presents them with an ancient book filled with magical lore and symbols. Asmodeus sends monsters – a giant ape-like creature and a green-skinned, fur-clad giant – to retrieve the book from them at all costs. The ape-like creature kills the old man. The castle seems to have disappeared, however the friends discover that it has been rendered invisible by magic.

After killing Jim, Asmodeus reveals his true form, that of a winged red demon. Asmodeus kills Jim's girlfriend and then attacks Dave and Susan. Dave and Susan flee to a cemetery and destroy the demon with a cross. As it dies, the cemetery explodes, killing Susan. Dave sees a shadowy giant who prophecies that Dave will be dead in one year and one day. Dave loses his sanity, and is confined to a mental hospital. One year and one day later, an evil-faced Susan arrives at the hospital to visit him.

With the end credits the film ends with "The End?" leaving the audience to wonder if the story will ever continue and if Susan is still possessed by Asmodeus.

August 10, 2026 update: Saw this again a few months ago on Creature Features. Still a fun movie. 

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The Baby Is A 1973 Slice of Absurdism

One of my favorite experiences as a fan of film is when I see something I absolutely can't place in a category. Something unlike anything I've ever seen before. When a movie is entirely unique it isn't subject to the normal aesthetic parameters of whether it's a good film or a bad film. Being unique is enough to recommend a film in almost all cases in my experience. Certainly there are exceptions, but when i come away from a movie thinking this is unlike anything I've ever seen that usually satisfies me. After everyone went to bed a few weeks ago I took a chance on such a film on Netflix and that's how I came across...

The Baby. A 1973 film you will surely assume is much more lurid and prurient from looking at this poster. The truth is The Baby is an interesting, even entertaining film simply because it's played straight. The absurdity of a grown man still being treated as if he were a baby by his mother and two sisters is played straight. There is violence and perversion in this movie, but far less than you might imagine and far less than you would expect if this had been filmed as a typical exploitation movie. It wasn't. It was filmed as a straight ahead story that become a pretty good action movie culminating with several cast members finding their ways to bad endings. 

I don't really do "reviews" in the sense of evaluating whether a movie is good or bad. My goal is to bring to the attention of niche and sub-genre fans movies they might have otherwise missed. This is one of those. If you're expecting something ala David Lynch or John Waters here you'll be disappointed. But the story is told in a straight forward style as if this were something happening in every neighborhood in every town. And...

Marianna Hill of Messiah of Evil (Dead People) is in it, so that's an added bonus. It's on  Netflix and if you have an extra  ninety minutes and want to see something out of left field The Baby will probably entertain you.

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The Thirsty Dead Drinks Deep From the Cup of Stupid

I don't understand the 1974 movie The Thirsty Dead. Who's dead, exactly, and although almost everyone gets thirsty sometimes the dead don't and the dead in this movie show no evidence of being thirsty. 

I've sat through it a few times, or I've done the dishes or vacuumed while it was on. So, that alone probably means I know a lot more about this movie than you do. Here's what I think happens in this movie. 

A bunch of blond chicks just happen to be doing a lounge act in The Philippines. They get kidnapped and decide they want to look down each other's shirts. Then this death cult led by a white dude attempts to transform them into...

Old Philippino hags for no damn good reason. Nobody drinks any blood here. The only thirsty person represented in this movie is at the lounge in the first scene. Nonetheless. If you happen to be doing the dishes, I recommend The Thirsty Dead.

February 21, 2013 update: The Thirsty Dead is still pretty stupid. But I think you can still get it on Drive In classics so go ahead and watch it.

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Don't Go In the Basement, Or Anywhere Else, Or Answer the Phone

In the early seventies nowhere was safe. Don't Go In the Woods, Don't Go In the House, Don't Answer the Phone. In the 1973 schlock-fest The Forgotten, they're saying not only should you NOT go in the basement, Don't Even Look In the Basement. Don't even think about the basement. The basement is not for you. 

However, if you would like to detach your enormous head from your body and "stand" at the top of the stairs looking down and yelling out of your cavernous mouth that would be just fine. Here's sort of what might have happened in this movie.

One of these people is about to have his ridiculously misguided anger therapy used against him. 

The building is filled with loonies. This one appears to be dead.

This one is named Sam. I'm going to ruin the rest of your life by telling you as the credits roll he's eating a popsicle and mumbling something about white folk.

Didn't I tell you not to look in the basement?

February 21, 2013 update: You did tell me not to go in the basement, but I thought my raquetball raquet was down there. Now I got this hatchet in my head.

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