Shadmocks, Mocks, and Humghouls

Roy Ward Baker directed many movies, and R Chetwynd Hayes wrote many books, but The Monster Club is the movie where the talent of these two British horror meisters intersected. Although maligned for a long time as cheesy and not scary at all, The Monster Club has in past years begun to receive the credit it deserves as a fun and well-crafted entry into the horror anthology genre.

The Monster Club, based on the book of short stories of the same name by Hayes, weaves three stories of semi-gruesome horror around performances by contemporary British bands in a subterranean club being attended by Vincent Price and John Carradine.

Carradine, Price, Pleasance, Chetwynd Hayes and Roy Ward Baker. Critics of this movie were always off base. If the criticism is it wasn't scary the proper response is so what. It was meant for a broad television audience. It most definitely is PG13 at worst and in my opinion appropriate to watch with your family at Halloween. Cheesy? So what? If you're not familiar enough with Vincent Price's work enough to know that 99% of his performances were cheesy then you shouldn't be offering an opinion in the first place.

Most American audiences who hadn't rented it on video saw The Monster Club for the first time on Elvira's Movie Macabre on the evening of Feb 6, 1983. It was episode 66. That's when I saw it. We all learned a lot about monsterdom from this movie.

We learned that there are the primate monsters, vampires, ghouls, and werewolves, but we also learned that these primate monsters interbreed, creating hybrid monsters, and that these hybrids also interbreed with the primate monsters, other hybrids, and even humans. Price says "The results are almost always disastrous, but they will do it." 

"What do they do?" Carradine rejoins, and Price launches into the setup for the first story, about a lonely creature called a Shadmock that isn't scary in any real way except one...

Shadmocks, Mocks, and Humghouls from The Monster Club

Two of the three stories involve Shadmock and Humghouls, two of the lowest creatures in the monster hierarchy. Humghouls seem to have even less powers than a Shadmock. None in fact according to the third story. Perhaps they enjoy a little human flesh once in a while, but they get that from the ghoul side of the family. 

All three stories in The Monster Club are entertaining, but what is even more entertaining about this movie is the music, the set up interludes where Price and Carradine speak, and the soundtrack. With the success of the Netflix show Stranger Things, and a resurgence in interest in electronic music, fans of this musical genre will want to check out Alan Hawkshaw's songs here, including Ghoul's Galore. 

Those who have bad-wrapped The Monster Club in the past should give it another chance, and all fans of horror should definitely give it a first chance.

2026 update: I had a humghoul moment last week at the post office. No one was there when I arrived but a few moments after I started trying to send a package through customs I turned and there were like ten of them.

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The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires Soundtrack LP

I had watched several movies directed by Roy Ward Baker before it finally registered with me that this guy was becoming one of my favorite directors.

I wasn't seeking his movies out because his name was attached to them. It happened backward. I kept watching British horror movies I liked and eventually noticed the same name appearing in the credits.

The Monster Club. Asylum. And Now the Screaming Starts!. The Vault of Horror. Five Million Years to Earth.

There was something about the look of these movies that I kept responding to. Baker could make relatively modest productions feel atmospheric and substantial, and he was particularly good at the sort of colorful, slightly lurid British horror that I apparently could watch forever.

His career was much larger than the horror films through which I discovered him. He had been directing movies since the 1940s and worked extensively in British film and television, including A Night to Remember, his acclaimed 1958 account of the sinking of the Titanic. But by the late 1960s and 1970s he had become associated with exactly the sort of movies I was gradually collecting and obsessing over: Hammer horror, Amicus anthologies, vampires, crypts, monsters and Peter Cushing.

Which brings me, naturally, to records.

While looking through Baker's filmography I discovered that there is a soundtrack album for The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires, the gloriously unlikely Hammer/Shaw Brothers kung-fu vampire movie he directed in 1974.

There is a Seven Golden Vampires soundtrack?

Holy stromboli. I'll be back in a few minutes.

Oh yes. It exists.

And Peter Cushing narrates it.

This is how collecting works. You begin by attempting to learn something about a film director and fifteen minutes later you're shopping for an LP narrated by Peter Cushing.

Then I discovered something else I apparently needed: the Dawn of the Dead soundtrack featuring Goblin's music from the Dario Argento-associated European version of the film.

There is a Seven Brothers Meet Dracula soundtrack? Holy stromboli, I'll be back in a few minutes...

Oh yes, it exists.  And with Peter Cushing narrating none the less. I found out this also exists...

,

Dawn of the Dead original movie soundtrack by Dario Argento and Goblin. My record collection could be up to as many as three by Halloween. Perhaps four, if...

Yes

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My Seven Brothers Meet Dracula Movie Poster

Black belt versus black magic. So claims the movie poster for Dynamite productions The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula. Also known as The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, this movie stars Peter Cushing as Dr. Van Helsing in China, presumably there to deliver a series of lectures to Chinese college students who skoff at his teachings and leave the lecture hall en masse. But one student remains behind and tells Van Helsin g his village has been plagued for centuries by Seven Golden Vampires who raid the village every so often to cause mayhem and suck blood. Interestingly, this student has seven brothers and one sister who are duty bound to eradicate the village of this ancient scourge. Thus ensues one of the greatest vampire movies of all time, and guess whose two thumbs are pointed in his own direction to indicate that he is a proud possessor of the movie poster for said movie.

ME! Dracula, Van Helsing, seven golden vampires, zombies, kung fu, and a chick with heaving breasts. 

Julie Ege and her screen presence. She's in the movie. But despite what she'd have you believe the movie isn't about her breasts. see, there's this Chinese Dracula who wants to be a Romanian Dracula, so he goes to visit this English actor Dracula imitating a Romanian Dracula so he can ask the English imitator Dracula to transform the Chinese Dracula into the Romanian Dracula the English Dracula is imitating so he can go back to China and tell Chinese vampires what is what.  

I don't remember ordering Chinese. 

You forgot my egg rolls, Suzuki. That would actually be Japanese and doesn't make much sense, but it's par for this magnificently off beat and awkward gem of a movie directed by Roy Ward Baker who brought you the classics The Monster Club, Vault of Horror, And Now the Screaming Starts, Asylum, The Vampire Lovers, and Five Million Years To Earth to name but a few. Well, actually to name the bulk of his best horror movies, but that's quite a list. The martial arts in this movie are well done. It's a legitimately entertaining hybrid of a kung fu and a vampire movie. Did I mention I have the movie poster?

Does this ridiculous plastic mask make my fangs look fat? Yes. Yes it does. The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula they don't really meet him but they could have if they'd gone up the Buddhist temple at the top of the hill maybe they could have worked this whole thing out without so much bloodshed. Four stars from me and you'll have to figure out out of how many possible stars by watching the movie yourself. I have to go vote so outro.

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The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula

The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula, also known as The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, is a Hammer production, directed by one of my favorite horror directors of all time, Roy Ward Baker. Some of Baker's films include The Monster Club, Vault of Horror, Asylum, The Vampire Lovers, and Five Million Years to Earth.  Here's how it goes down...

Taking a lesson directly from President Nixon, Count Dracula wakes up one morning and decides he needs more of a presence in the Asian markets, and where better to start than China?

So, the Count finds a trade partner willing to sell out his own people in exchange for certain considerations in the derivative market.  Leaving the Count free to...

Take on the guise of a Chinese vampire. Now to oppress the people and rape the women.

Seven virgins bleeding into a blood stew for Seven Golden Vampires. Won't anyone stand up and fight?

Damn right they will. Where there are Seven Golden Vampires there must be Seven Brothers (and one sister) to fight the. The martial arts scenes in this movie are very well done. 

More stuff happens. There are hopping zombies and a blond chick and Peter Cushing is in it at Van Helsing. I have it on VHS and play it every few months. I think I might go play it right now.

More Zombielogic's Incredibly Brief Movie Reviews

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March Madness Gets Even Madder

March Madness gets even madder when it is revealed that Indiana coach Tom Crean is a...

Shadmock!!!!

I think it's best Vinnie the P explains what a Shadmock is.

Now that you know what it is a Shadmock is and what they do it is my obligation as to inform you that Indiana basketball coach Tom Crean is...

A Shadmock!!!

No, coach, don't whistle. I'll play help-side defense, I swear.

Tom, this is uncle Lichtem calling up from the old country. I just put a million on IU to beat Kentucky in the third round. I trust you won't let me down, nephew.

Bow down to my awesome Photoshop skills

Tommmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, uncle Lichtem.

He really was a good boy. Just couldn't coach a zone defense for shit.

February 21, 2013 update: I just secured a copy of the super rare Monster Club Soundtrack on Ebay, and the Indiana men's basketball team is ranked #1 in the nation. Coincidence? I think not.

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