Trumpunzel, Trumpunzel, Climb Down Your Hair

The New York Times reports that President elect Donald Trump has been holed up in his Tower for days while outside protesters have to be held at bay by police and the Secret Service. 

Trumpunzel, Trumpunzel, Climb Down Your Hair

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Child Actor Meeno Peluce Wakes Up To Discover He has Been Elected Governor of Maine... Again

In what must seem like a Twilight Zone nightmare, child actor Meeno Peluce woke up Monday morning to discover he had been elected the governor of Maine. Again. Peluce, famous for his roles in shows such as Love Boat, Kojack, Starsky and Hutch, The Incredible Hulk, and his own science fiction series, Voyagers, where he played precocious history wizard Jeffrey Jones, has now been elected the governor of Maine in four consecutive elections, despite never having set foot in the state in his entire lifetime. 

Trying to get to the bottom of this highly dubious quirk in the American electoral process, public officials conducted an exit poll in which over 97% of those who had just voted for Peluce said they had done so multiple times and exclusively because of the awesome nature of his white boy fro.

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You're a Scapegoat, Charlie Brown MGM Musical LP

Original MGM cast album of You're a Scapegoat, Charlie Brown

Song List

1) Thanks For Fucking Up Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown

2) I'm Confused About the Fact That I'm Probably a Lesbian, So I'm Taking It Out On You, Blockhead

3) Little White Boy Blues

4) You're The Only One Who Can Understand Me, Franklin, Because You're Black

5) You're My Best Friend (Queen cover) P.S. Can You help Me Bury a Body?

6) I Hope That Head Gets Smaller As You Get Closer, Because, Damn

7) Wandering the Desert (Instrumental)

8) A Boy and His Dog

9) Azazel Built My Hot Rod

10) You're To Blame For All Our Shortcomings (cast)

August 10, 2026 update: I should probably explain that I've had an ongoing grievance with Charles Schulz for most of my life over the way he treated Charlie Brown. As a boy, Charlie Brown was the character I identified with. He was awkward, uncertain, usually on the outside looking in, and he kept getting kicked around by people who were supposedly his friends. Lucy pulled the football away. The other kids insulted him. His baseball team lost. The little red-haired girl barely knew he existed. Even when he tried to do the right thing, humiliation usually seemed to be waiting for him.

I don't think I experienced that as particularly funny when I was a kid. I experienced it as depressing. Charlie Brown was the kid I was being asked to identify with, and week after week Charles Schulz seemed determined to demonstrate that nothing was ever going to work out for the poor bastard. I suppose the persistence is supposed to be the inspirational part—Charlie Brown always gets up and tries to kick the football again—but as a boy I mostly wanted someone to let the kid kick the fucking football once. So if I seem unusually hostile toward Charles Schulz in these old posts, that's why. I took what he did to Charlie Brown personally.

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Further Utterances of Sun Tzu

Further Utterances of Sun-Tzu

If occupying moral

High ground
Build a bamboo
Hut
Suitable for gloating
And ride it out
With Sumatran coffee
And the London Times.

If handed an inferior
Glass of wine
At a peace negotiation
Thrust it defiantly
In the host's face
Dashing all hopes of peace
As he has dashed
Your hope for a good
Buzz,
Then overturn the
Buffet table and rape
His wife-
A chintzy host cannot
Be trusted.

When in Rome...

Duckwalk,

When in Indiana...

Cowtip,
And when in Tuscaloosa
Well, you know,
Stay at the beautiful
Downtown Hospitality Inn.
There are one-way mirrors
Behind the artwork
And the ice machine
Is broken,
But they gave me fifty

Bucks for the ad space.

(Sun Tzu doesn't
Actually endorse
The Hospitality Inn
Or this poem
But being dead
He's in a very
Weak tactical
Position
So fuck him). 

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