Top Ten Halloween Movies You Can Watch With Your Kids

Horror movies are chock full of life lessons, and that's why Halloween is an opportune time to assemble the kids in front of the old television and allow them to soak up the moral instruction they can only get from watching a horde of zombies devour the entrails of an unfortunate soul who has provisioned himself poorly for the Zombie Apocalypse.

10) Dawn of the Dead 

Things aren't all that important. Blind consumerism can lead us to be exposed to ultimate dissatisfaction and a hollow feeling when we discover the most important things in life aren't things, they're practical effects like this exploding head.

9) Day of the Dead

Communication is important. You can't just yell at the top of your lungs all the time like Captain Rhodes. Everyone has feelings, even zombies. Be polite, and include everyone in discussions, let everyone have their say, and make decisions based on input from everyone. Or you might get shot and then have your small intestine yanked out and devoured.

8) The Omen

It doesn't pay to discount the possibility that evil exists and exists in a real and tangible way. Kids can be nasty little sons-a-bitches, even your own. Glass can kill, vertically or horizontally. Take the stairs sometimes. And never buy your child a tricycle. 

7) Night of the Living Dead

Let your sister have the remote control, for chrissake. Quit teasing her about her pigtails because if you don't some freak will shamble out of the shadows and crack your godamn coconut on a gravestone, so just cut it the hell out. 

6) Alien

Did someone resembling me tell you not to eat that whole bag of Sour Patch Kids before bed? I think they did.

5) The Exorcist

Your mom might be wrong occasionally like when she told me I'm not an awesome dancer, but if you ever decide to check her into a nursing home after I die so you can get at that sweet porn stash you know I'm hiding right in front of her eyes in the laundry room you do so at your own risk. 

4) Rosemary's Baby

Don't have sex with anyone, ever, for any reason, especially Satan. He's not going to call you back.

3) The Shining

Seriously, kids, it was just some bad clams. I'm over it now. 

2) Halloween

What did I tell you about stabbing your sister with my good kitchen knife? Who do you think cleans these things up, the Keebler faeries?

1) It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown

This one actually contains the scariest message of all. Find some schlubby kid with low self-esteem and scapegoat him for any problem that arises. Really, kick the shit out of him and make sure he knows you think he's useless, worthless, and to blame for all your problems. Then when the problem is solved deus ex machina dance like crack-addled freakoids and pretend none of it ever happened.

More of my horror movie reviews

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Top Ten Zombie Movies That Aren't Zombie Movies At All

 I'm not going to be persnickety here and make overly-anal distinctions between zombies and the living dead. For our purposes zombies and the living dead will be used generically and interchangeably. But what we will be doing is examining ten movies that on the surface seem to be zombie movies, but with further examination aren't zombie movies at all. Here we go...

1) The Serpent and the Rainbow

Why it's not a zombie movie? Says right there on the movie poster. They're not dead. never were. What it is is a fascinating, and true story about the work of ethnobotanist Wade Davis in Haiti. Throw in a little voodoo and a a tetrodotoxin with mind-altering properties and you have a heady brew that can simulate what looks like death and ultimate resurrection. The Serpent and the Rainbow is a great zombie film directed by Wes Craven. Highly recommended.

2) Night of the Creeps

Why it's not a zombie movie? The "zombies" are more just containers for alien slugs. It's a quibble, yes, but I think a valid one. This a movie about alien brain parasites, not zombies. However....

Thrill me. Tom Atkins is the man. The Fog, Halloween 3, Creepshow, Escape From New York. One of the best horror movies of the entire decade of the 80's, but slightly NOT a zombie movie.

3) 28 Days Later

Why it's not a zombie movie? They're not dead. They have the Rage virus. I'm a shambler zombie movie guy myself, but this is still a good movie. Not a zombie movie, but a good movie.

4) The Last Man on Earth/The Omega Man

Why it's not a zombie movie? Another case where they're not dead. They also feed on plasma, not bodies or brains, which makes them more vampiric. One of my all time favorite movies. But not a zombie movie. 

Just wanted to sneak a photo of these two nasties in here.

5) The Crazies

Why it's not a zombie movie. After the accidental release of a experimental biological weapon in a small town people go crazy and become violent, but they aren't dead. Another metaphor for mass hysteria and one of George Romero's most unusual films. 

6) C.H.U.D

Why it's not a zombie movie? Says why right on the movie poster. They're not human, and as the scientist in Dawn of the Dead is so clear in explaining, "Cannibalism involves an intra-species phenomenon." 

6) Pontypool

Why it's not a zombie movie? Virused, but not dead. In this very unlikely, but fascinating movie based on the novel Pontypool Changes Everything, by Anthony Burgess, it is human language that is a virus that transforms people into violent crazies. The movie, though not directly based on Orson Welles' War of the Worlds radio broadcast, is a homage to the power of words themselves to cause mass hysteria. A movie I absolutely think is a credit to the genre, but not a zombie movie.

7) Thriller

Why it's not a zombie movie? Because it's not a movie. I wish it were. Because it would be one of the great zombie movies of all time. 

8) Night of the Comet

Why it's not a zombie movie. In the case of those who have been mutated by the comet, they aren't dead, and in the case of the ghoulish scientists who want to use the healthy living's blood to cure themselves, they're not dead, either. It's a magnificent movie. Another one of the best horror movies of the 80's, but not exactly a zombie movie.

9) The Signal

Why it's not a zombie movie. Like Pontypool, people are driven violently insane by a signal broadcast through electronic devices, but they're not dead. 

10) The Children

Why it's not a zombie movie. Once again, not dead, never dead, just sugared-up and too close to a nuclear reactor. Sounds exactly like my youth, but you didn't catch me eating people. You didn't catch me, at least. I'll wager 90% of you haven't seen this one and if low, low budget horror movies aren't your thing, skip it, but if you like weird gems of movies this might be for you. 

So, there you have it. Ten zombie movies that aren't really zombie movies at all. Do you have any movies to add to the list, or would you like to add something to or debate any of these entries? 

While you're here, check out these zombie blogs

The CDC Is Preparing For a Zombie Apocalypse

The tale of The Zombie, Mutant Banana

The Top Five Zombie Movie Posters of All Time

The 2012 Zombie Academy Awards

Single Zombie Female

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Top Ten Tiny Drawings By Jenny Mathews

                                                                                 10) Celery

     Celery is an every day Joe. He has a job and a girlfriend. He bowls. He goes to family picnics. The only difference between Celery and you or I is Celery is a celery. 

                                         9) Garden Gnome Riding a Squirrel

Gnome Riding Squirrel

    On occasion the creator of Tiny Drawings, Jenny, will run out of ideas for drawings and ask me. And sometimes I'll say the oddest thing I can think of like "There's a garden gnome, named Rastus, and he's riding a squirrel and using a sprig of asparagus as a lance in a joust with an Orc." Now if you said that to 99.999% of the people on the planet they might tell you where to put your asparagus, but since Jenny can draw anything she starts drawing, then a while later I get an email and it's a Gnome named Rastus riding a squirrel and using a sprig of asparagus in a joust against an Orc (in this case Orc not pictured). 

                                                       8) The Batphone

Batphone by Jenny Mathews

     This was another request by me. For some reason I want one of these old rotary phones in black. I have no earthly use for it, but I still want one. But when you have a Tiny Drawing you usually don't even need the thing anymore.

                                                         7) Prime Rib

     Peime Rib is from the cuts of meat series (suggested by me). I'd eat this prime rib. 

                                                  6) Two Planets Merlot

     Two Planets Merlot is from the beverages series. I think I may have also recommended that one. This would go really well with the prime rib.

                                                              5) House

     There have been occasions when I mentioned my ideal house would have porches on top and bottom so I could walk out of a summer afternoon and maybe drink a cold beer while watching the world go about its business. It's like that Twilight Zone episode where the kid imagines something and it appears. 

                                                          4) Train

     Sometimes other people will request a Tiny Drawing. And she draws it. Like this train. 

                                                          3) Mermaid

     This Tiny Drawing was the runner up winner in a national contest for a vodka label. I think the contest was fixed.

                                                            2) Well

     I don't know where this well is, but my guess is that it's somewhere behind the house from earlier.

                                                         1) Wolf Boy

     This is my favorite Tiny Drawing because I know what it is and you don't have to you can just look at it.

You can look at all the Tiny Drawings by Jenny Mathews and you can even buy them and request one at Tiny Drawing

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My Top Ten Favorite Hot Wheels of All Time

     Hot Wheels first appeared in 1968. I first appeared in 1969. It's a safe bet I crashed my first Hot Wheel soon after. If I recall the incident clearly,  the girl next door, named Jody, ran a stop sign and totaled my 1968 Fleetside. Orange in color. Girls, right? Here's where I say that pink Hot Wheels from the early years are some of the most valuable because the marketing department decided they didn't need to make very many because little girls would not play with them. Tell that to Jody next door who's pink Custom Volkswagon destroyed my first car. 

                                               1968 Fleetside                                               

       

     The first thing I can say about the original 16 Hot Wheels released in 1968 is that they are all favorites. I recently completed a full collection of the first year and I could spend a long, long time just collecting 1968 Hot Wheels. I love the Fleetside. Mine is orange. I'd love to have all the colors. By far the best year for Hot Wheels. They got it right the first time.

1968 Green Enamel VW

     My personal favorite Hot Wheel that I have because the green enamel paint floors me, but it also reminds me of four years old. We lived in Freeport, Illinois, and my uncle Bill tried to sell us a Volkswagon Bug at one time. Even the full-sized car seemed like a toy to my young mind. Every morning we followed the postman, Charlie, to the end of the block where there was a box he emptied. Jody lived around the corner. She didn't actually wreck my Fleetside. I just made that part up. 

                                                                           1970 Paddy Wagon

     The 1970 Paddy Wagon. Everything about this Hot Wheel just seems to come from a Saturday morning cartoon. How could a small boy (or girl) not love this whimsical creation?

1973 Alive 55

     The Alive 55 is the re-release of 1970's Nomad. All of the Nomads from 1970 had white interiors, and for some reason I don't care for a white interior, but I love this piece. It reminds me of the Brady Bunch wagon even though it's nothing like that. 1973. The year my favorite movie, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things was made, but i didn't know that for 12 more years. 

1974 Police Cruiser

     In 1974 my family moved across the river into Byron, Illinois, from the house we were renting from my uncle on Devil's Lane. Soon after I met a boy the same age as me, Brad. We were best friends for all the time I lived on River Road. Soon after we moved in they used the vacant field near the river to dump hundreds of heaps of dirt from excavating projects. Hundreds of small piles of dirt about five foot high. A paradise for five year old boys. Many Hot Wheels suffered I am ashamed to say, but can rest in Hot wheel heaven knowing they are fondly remembered. This particular car gives rise to a story I tell now for the first time, hoping the statute of limitations has lapsed. I love this car. Old 442. It's maybe my favorite of all. But in 1974 I didn't have one. But Brad did. So one afternoon I cleverly used a dime to remove all the paint from his police cruiser then took it home with me. let's just say he was not fooled the next time he saw it. Grand theft Hot Wheel. 

1974 Rodger Dodger

     Although I didn't have the Police Cruiser, I did have the Rodger Dodger. I called it the Donny Osmond-mobile. I don't know why I called it that, I guess maybe I saw Donny Osmond wearing something purple on the television. Or maybe I felt like if Donny Osmond were to drive a life-size Hot Wheel it would undoubtedly be the Rodger Dodger. What I know about this Hot Wheel is that it is the last one I remember having as I soon developed an interest in baseball and by age ten can't remember having Hot Wheels anymore. This one I sold at my grandmother's garage sale for the neat sum of fifty cents. When i finally earn enough money to reclaim one in that condition it will cost me a hundred times that amount. 

1975 Ramblin' Wrecker

     No Hot Wheel saw more action than the Ramblin Wrecker. It was a must have. Because no matter how crazy things got. No matter what mass carnage occurred in a day, the Ramblin Wrecker always showed up at the end of the day to make it right. 

1976 Neet Streeter

     The next three Hot Wheels are especially fond to me because I remember receiving them as Christmas presents. If memory serves, Christmas 1976 my brother Dan and I received the complete set of 1976 Hot Wheels and a crisp two dollar bill. There's nothing not to love about the Neet Streeter. It's all things Americana.

1976 Street Rodder

     I seem to remember the Street Rodder was the star of the commercials at that time. If there were commercials, and I'm sure there were. 

1977 '56 Hi Tail Hauler

     And finally, the '56 Hi Tail Hauler. My grandfather had a similar truck in real life. I really adore this piece. It's probably the last of the great Hot Wheels. Probably the last significant redline. 

    When I set out to reclaim a part of my childhood by putting together a collection of Hot Wheels on Ebay I didn't know there was so much emotion invested in these little cars. There were times when I would see one and remember a story and literally start crying. Recently I was having a beer with one of my uncles and Hot Wheels came up and he said you probably don't remember this because you were too young, but your dad was mad for Hot Wheels. he used to buy miles of track and run them all over the house. And it would make sense: the person he was then is more than half my age as I write and younger. A boy. 

March 6, 2013 update: Life is indeed mysterious. I now own a very nice version of each of these Hot Wheels, except the Alive 55 which I insist on owning in the rare lemon yellow. That will have to wait. The two year old often looks at me with incredulity when he sees them in an acrylic case. Sorry, little guy, you'll get them later, but for now they are for display only. 

                                                           

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