Johnny Wockenfuss: The Funniest Name In Baseball History

Johnny Wockenfuss: The Funniest Name in Baseball

Baseball has a long and distinguished history of names that sound like they were invented by twelve-year-old boys.

Pete LaCock.

Rusty Kuntz.

Dick Pole.

Johnny Dickshot.

Ed Head.

There are objectively strong candidates here. Johnny Dickshot in particular should probably be unbeatable.

And yet, for me, the funniest baseball name of all time remains:

Johnny Wockenfuss.

Johnny Wockenfuss shouldn't be funnier to me than Johnny Dickshot.

But he is.

Maybe it's because Wockenfuss is such an unusually satisfying word to say. It doesn't even require embellishment. Johnny Wockenfuss. Say it three times and eventually you're going to smile.

The wonderful thing is that John Wockenfuss was considerably more interesting than his name.

He spent twelve seasons in the major leagues from 1974 through 1985, ten of them with the Detroit Tigers. He was one of those extremely useful baseball players who never became a superstar but could be put almost anywhere. Wockenfuss caught, played first base and the outfield, served as a designated hitter and pinch hitter, and even appeared at third.

And then there was his batting stance.

Wockenfuss stood at the plate so closed that his back was almost facing the pitcher. He held the bat high, looked back toward the mound over his shoulder and wiggled his fingers on the handle while waiting for the pitch.

It looked ridiculous.

Apparently it also worked.

His best season came in 1980, when he played 126 games for Detroit, hit 16 home runs, drove in 65 runs and posted a .390 on-base percentage.

There is also one painful bit of Detroit Tigers history attached to Wockenfuss. Just before the 1984 season, Detroit traded him and Glenn Wilson to the Philadelphia Phillies for Dave Bergman and Willie Hernández.

Hernández proceeded to win both the American League Cy Young Award and Most Valuable Player Award while helping the Tigers win the 1984 World Series.

Wockenfuss missed the championship.

He played two seasons with Philadelphia before his major-league career ended, and later returned to baseball as a minor-league manager and coach.

John Wockenfuss died in 2022 at the age of 73.

So yes, I originally came here because I thought Johnny Wockenfuss was the funniest name in baseball.

I still do.

But he was also exactly the kind of player who makes baseball history more interesting: strange batting stance, funny name, multiple positions, twelve years in the majors, and one enormous trade connecting him permanently to one of the great Detroit Tigers teams.

Still...

Wockenfuss.

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Ryan Braun Cheated. Then He Lied About Cheating.

Recently I was trying to explain to an eight year old what Hamlet meant when he said "The Lady doth protest too much." Listening to Milwaukee Brewers' Ryan Braun go on and on about how he was erroneously accused of using performance enhancing drugs by Major League Baseball and how he is a paragon of truth, virtue and steadfastness victimized by a process that was out to get him is the absolute embodiment of what I was trying to explain to the child. He goes on and on and on about how he didn't do it. 

I think he did do it. And I think Lance Armstrong did it, and I also believe a vast majority of all professional athletes are still using performance enhancing drugs. What needs to be stated about the testing in all sports is that you can't test for what the athletes are now taking with a urinalysis. Even the dimmest athlete is now using Test or HGH and those can only be tested by drawing blood. In the case of Major League Baseball and all other major sports, there is no way blood testing is coming soon, so there is no way to know how many athletes in major sports are cheating. On occasion a player will test positive for steroids, which most bodybuilders and athletes quit using over a decade ago. The biochemistry and the cheaters are so far ahead of the testing ability that it's a joke to even say any athlete is even being tested for Performance Enhancing Drugs.

Ryan Braun tested positive for a PED. What you need to know is no one is denying that. He did it. He got caught. And now children have to listen to a cheater lecture children about being honest, fair, and forthright. This is a problem in America. Lies becoming truth. The evasion of responsibilty for wrong-doing by sophistry, appealing to technicalities and legal loopholes. 

You are not a victim, Ryan Braun. You are a cheater, and now you are a liar. A scary form of liar who is willing to go the extra mile to convince others that nothing you ever did or will do is wrong. You don't fool me, though. You took Performance Enhancing Drugs and you were so stupid that you were one of the few who got caught with the primitive methods employed to test for them. Rather than exonerating you, any reasonable person should be left wondering if you got caught by a urine test, what would a blood test discover? 

Many to most Americans will sadly buy your fake show of outrage, but not this reporter. I know a liar when I hear one, and a cheater when I see one. You sirrah , are both. 

In a press conference moments ago http://abcnews.go.com/Sports/wireStory/brewers-ryan-braun-cleared-camp-15784010#.T0fVi_GPWBo  Ryan Braun proclaimed that "Truth had prevailed." sadly, exactly the opposite was true. Lies, scumbaggery and evasion of responsibilty for bad behavior prevailed. This is becoming the trend in America. Cheat all you want. Lie all you want. Use technicalities and red tape to evade responsiblity. We have to change. Because I'm afraid people are losing the ability to know what is true and what is not. You can't live in a society without truth. It's going to get ugly if we don't change.

My opinion. 

Buster Posey named N.L. MVP over Ryan Braun.

Update December 11, 2012. It did my heart good to see Ryan Braun finish second in the MVP voting to Buster Posey. There's too much sentiment that the steroid era is behind us going around. With the advent of HGH and Testosterone creams that disappear from the bloodstream in eight hours I doubt hardly anyone will be caught until the testing procedures become more advanced. I'm not saying there won't be a few idiots who still do get caught, but it's hard to get caught with the new chemistry. Don't misunderstand the lack of those getting caught for those who are still cheating.

Update June 6, 2013: Let's see how he worms his way out of this one.


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