The Empty Calories

I remember when I was one of the Empty Calories.

Empty Calories Press of the 3rd Mind 1995

My Day As a Worm

     I find my life no more or less grotesque than the day before. I eat a small breakfast of toads and do my coughing exercises. The atmosphere no longer sustains me, and the sun neither warms or cools me. I imagine that I am an eyeless worm of the genus luco luco luci crawling silently beneath the floorboards of your home. Because you have refused to feed me I have gathered my brethren and we have resigned ourselves to digest every molecule of edible protein underneath the foundation of your home, plunging you into the true Silent Kingdom. As the earth begins to rumble I re-assume my bipedal form, salute my brothers, and silently slither home to regurgitate the earth I stole from beneath your feet.

     I can see why that one didn't make it into Detached Retinas.

Mumbling Rock Exhibit

function is destiny

a rock becomes a tree for the convenience

of the impaired audience,

and is rendered useless

as a rock and as a tree.

we are contortions of perception,

allowing an object to assume

its natural form only when our vision

fits neatly around its borders.

light is a magician, a tireless trickster

entertaining an audience of passive

executioners, dodging each other's gaze,

a long stare being eternal concrete

in the other's stony mind gallery.

Benediction

You'll be just one of proposed

Trillions,

Eyelids painted green

Speaking to your cornflakes,

Issued a soul

And taught allergies,

Standing morbidly erect before

Flagpoles

And lying prostrate before museums.

You'll be caught completely by surprise

When Earth leaps up

To meet bone.

The Secret Pudding

In London a man was discovered eating the Queen's secret pudding. The Royal Guard promptly escorted the man from the palace, but were dismayed to discover the very same gentleman in an unusual position with the prince's polo donkey later in the day. The donkey, it is reported, has lodged a formal complaint with the Queen herself. The Queen, taking her tea with the Dutch Ambassador of Cabbage, is said to have taken a personal interest in the case, going so far as to demand photographs in the case that the donkey wants to bring charges. The nameless man, appearing later on the BBC, claims he only staged the event to draw attention to the Queen's secret pudding, which he alleges is made from the aborted fetuses of Princess Grace of Monaco. 

The Empty Calories

I guess at one time some of that must have seemed funny to me. 

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