My Angiogram Scar Totally Looks Like a Penis and Testicles

I'm going to write a paragraph or two here so the first thing you don't see is a picture of my hairy groin. After my surgery they basically had to perform a smaller surgery to remove all the tubes and needles that were in my body. These were significant tubes. However, it wasn't for two days that I saw the scar on my thigh. It was a thing of true ugliness. This was from the angiogram tube they basically use like a roto rooter tool. 

After all my scars started to heal a little bit I started to notice this one was taking a very clear for. The form of something it was very close to. I should have shaved so you can see that it looks exactly like a penis and set of testicles. 

I wasn't going to do this blog because despite what it might seem like I have some standards of decorum. But I have a scar that looks like a dick and balls on my leg, what am I going to do, not blog about it? You were warned.

My angiogram scar that looks like a penis and testicles

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Johnny Wockenfuss: The Funniest Name In Baseball History

Johnny Wockenfuss: The Funniest Name in Baseball

Baseball has a long and distinguished history of names that sound like they were invented by twelve-year-old boys.

Pete LaCock.

Rusty Kuntz.

Dick Pole.

Johnny Dickshot.

Ed Head.

There are objectively strong candidates here. Johnny Dickshot in particular should probably be unbeatable.

And yet, for me, the funniest baseball name of all time remains:

Johnny Wockenfuss.

Johnny Wockenfuss shouldn't be funnier to me than Johnny Dickshot.

But he is.

Maybe it's because Wockenfuss is such an unusually satisfying word to say. It doesn't even require embellishment. Johnny Wockenfuss. Say it three times and eventually you're going to smile.

The wonderful thing is that John Wockenfuss was considerably more interesting than his name.

He spent twelve seasons in the major leagues from 1974 through 1985, ten of them with the Detroit Tigers. He was one of those extremely useful baseball players who never became a superstar but could be put almost anywhere. Wockenfuss caught, played first base and the outfield, served as a designated hitter and pinch hitter, and even appeared at third.

And then there was his batting stance.

Wockenfuss stood at the plate so closed that his back was almost facing the pitcher. He held the bat high, looked back toward the mound over his shoulder and wiggled his fingers on the handle while waiting for the pitch.

It looked ridiculous.

Apparently it also worked.

His best season came in 1980, when he played 126 games for Detroit, hit 16 home runs, drove in 65 runs and posted a .390 on-base percentage.

There is also one painful bit of Detroit Tigers history attached to Wockenfuss. Just before the 1984 season, Detroit traded him and Glenn Wilson to the Philadelphia Phillies for Dave Bergman and Willie Hernández.

Hernández proceeded to win both the American League Cy Young Award and Most Valuable Player Award while helping the Tigers win the 1984 World Series.

Wockenfuss missed the championship.

He played two seasons with Philadelphia before his major-league career ended, and later returned to baseball as a minor-league manager and coach.

John Wockenfuss died in 2022 at the age of 73.

So yes, I originally came here because I thought Johnny Wockenfuss was the funniest name in baseball.

I still do.

But he was also exactly the kind of player who makes baseball history more interesting: strange batting stance, funny name, multiple positions, twelve years in the majors, and one enormous trade connecting him permanently to one of the great Detroit Tigers teams.

Still...

Wockenfuss.

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The Turd That Killed Elvis

From my celebrated and almost universally ignored series of Poopsicle paintings, I humbly present...

The Turd That Killed Elvis

Elvis Presley died at Graceland on August 16, 1977, at the age of 42.

He was found unresponsive on the bathroom floor after apparently having been sitting on the toilet. This unfortunate detail has become such a permanent part of Elvis mythology that, somewhere along the way, the story was simplified into the considerably more memorable version that Elvis died taking a shit.

The actual circumstances were considerably less amusing.

By the final years of his life, Elvis was in terrible health. He suffered from numerous medical problems and was taking an extraordinary assortment of prescription medications. His death was officially attributed to cardiac causes, although the precise contribution of his medications and other health problems has been debated ever since.

There is, however, another particularly unpleasant piece of Elvis lore.

He reportedly suffered from severe chronic constipation and had significant problems with his colon. This has led to speculation that straining during a bowel movement may have contributed to the cardiac event that killed him.

Which means the legendary Turd That Killed Elvis probably didn't actually kill Elvis.

But it may have been present at the scene.

And that's good enough for art.

The Turd That Killed Elvis

From the Poopsicle Series

Other paintings in the Poopsicle series

Vic Tayback Was the Zodiac Killer

Oprah Winfrey's Pussy

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Oprah Winfrey's Pussy

I am now a painter as well as a poet, actor, and America's First and Only Zombie(Z) Party candidate. I painted Oprah Winfrey's Pussy. It took a lot of paint. Want to see Oprah's Pussy? I didn't, but I am the only person on Earth who has. And it looked like this...

I am the only person on planet Earth known to have seen Oprah Winfrey's Pussy.  I was surprised when she commissioned me to do the portrait. She wants it to be memorialized for future generations so they can remember it as it was.... untouched.


December 12, 2012 update: At one time this was my most popular blog. I actually spent a few days on the texture of this painting. I removed it from my blog but then decided I worked hard on this painting and it should stay. It doesn't get much traffic anymore. 

Ron Jeremy is a Bad Dude

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First Annual Spooktacular Poetry Blog

My first ever Spooktacular poetry blog. 

Vampyre

Who's vein will my fetid fang

Flay this night and let flow

The scarlet scroll that feeds

My perfidious thirst?

What trick in my trove

Or treat of the flesh

Will she trade for

That heartbeat brief

Flight into fancy

And aeon's Fall

Into damnation?

Zombie

with your brains

in my brawn

we're unstoppable

Wolfman

being a Wolfman is

tear tear tear

terrific.


December 12, 2012 update: No Halloween poems this year. We took Jack and Ella out in our neighborhood. Jack insisted on being pulled in the wagon. We went as a Wolf Pack. Jack caught on quickly and everyone in the Edgewater neighborhood said it was the most trick-or-treaters they had seen in forever. 

Owwwwoooooowwwoooo

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