A Personal Invitation For All White Sox and Cardinals Fans to Go Fuck Themselves Tonight

 And...

I want all the Cardinal and White Sox fans that I grew up with and have known all these years to know that you have been insufferable pricks and I have a dislike for you that will never go away. I hope your lousy teams go a hundred years before they win again, and that you stew in your own ignorant lowlife bile while you watch this team be better than you for the next decade. 

I wouldn't say getting to tell you to go fuck yourselves and your cousin/wives is more pleasurable than this victory, but it sure feels good tonight to tell you that you are the losers. And not even lovable losers as Cub fans have been all these years, just losers. 

I've endured your jibes and insults for forty years, and they were taken in the spirit they were meant. You were never good-natured about it, and intended to make Cub fans feel worse about something that already was breaking their hearts.

And so tonight I return the favor, and will take the greatest relish in returning it until the Cubs are no longer the best team in baseball, but don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen.


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Jorge Soler and Goat's Head Soup

Top prospect Jorge Soler went berserk yesterday and someone sent the Cubs' owner a severed goats head, and you thought this was going to be a boring season. I have been a Cubs fan since I was a little boy. If watching the playoffs in 2003 in a bar with several hundred other Cubs fans who felt for the first time in their lives this was finally it, the Cubs were going to the World Series, was the apex of my experience as a fan, years like last year have to be near the nadir. The team is terrible again this year, but like many longtime fans I'm putting a lot of stock and pinning a lot of my hope on the minor league prospects Theo and his minions are supposedly stockpiling. Which is why yesterday's incident where Jorge Soler caused a bench-clearing brawl, then grabbed a baseball bat and apparently brandished it against members of the opposing team is so disturbing. I remember how I wished Delman Young would get hit by a bus after he threw a bat at an umpire. 

At 6'4 and 245, Soler is a can't miss prospect, and one the Cubs have pinned a lot of their hopes on. But it's hard to cheer for jerkoffs. Life is too short. What if, hell of all hells, the Cubs do become a perennial World Series contender, but by that time the team is so detestable and full of jackasses that I can't enjoy a World Series victory I've waited my whole life for? Let's hope he grows up. Word is Javier Baez was first out to restrain him, so maybe we have some good kernels of leadership in the minors. I'd like to like these guys. In other news...

Someone sent Cubs owner Tom Ricketts a box with a goat's head in it yesterday.What the hell? Whether this is a disgruntled fan, shocked that Theo Epstein is doing exactly what he promised to by rebuilding the Cubs from the bottom up, or one of those scumbag rooftop owners, this person needs to see the inside of a jail cell. I know it's only Rock N Roll, but I'd like to find a reason to like this year's Cubs team. I thought rooting for the prospects might be my salvation, but after yesterday I'm thinking call me when you have a real baseball team at any level because this life is getting shorter and shorter every day. Pin It

Mark Fidrych Was A Funny Guy Who Probably Died Too Soon

I scarcely remember Mark Fidrych's phenomenal rookie season in 1976 where he went 19-9 and won the American league rookie of the year award. I remember traces of seeing him go through his eccentric mound routines and fix the mound on This Week In Baseball. What I remember better is his death in 2009 and how it prompted so many What If and lost potential reactions. Mark Fidrych never again achieved the levels of greatness he did in his rookie year, and that puts him in a special class of players who never realized their potential in the major leagues. 

With his eccentric antics, curly locks, and fastball, Mark Fidrych baffled American league batters for one summer.  But enduring fame eluded him.

I remember Bob Horner a little better probably because I'm a Cub's fan and he played in the National league. I seem to remember him hitting 33 home runs his rookie year, then never playing again, but a look at the statistics disprove this. Horner did actually play several seasons with the Atlanta Braves, clouting a rather respectable amount of home runs every year, but injuries hampered him and ultimately ended a career that seemed to hold much more promise. 

Why is Bo Jackson in this baseball blog? Because as well as having a football career cut short by injury, the same hip injury robbed baseball fans of what might have been one of the great baseball careers of all time. Actually if he hadn't hurt his hip he probably would have had one of the great football careers of all time. I don't think I've ever seen a greater athlete than Bo Jackson. Have you?

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Please Sign A Rod Kenny Williams

The Yankees are supposedly willing to do anything they have to to get Alex Rodriguez out of town and onto someone else's squad. Only a GM who hasn't read the accounts of the Trojan Horse would fall for such a trick. But one local team whose fan base seems to like the idea is the Chicago White Sox. I hate the Chicago White Sox. No, that's not fair, I actually kind of like how Kenny Williams has assembled the team. I liked the  Ozzie years. I even like the radio team of Ed Farmer and Darren Jackson. I'll go a step further and admit they have the best announcer in baseball in Steve Stone. 

But I despise White Sox fans. And I hate Hawk Harrelson. My dislike is better explained here. I hope the White Sox do commit a great deal of money to sign Alex Rodriguez.It might sound a little bit like this line from the movie Moneyball...

Billy Beane: Oh, you're special?
David Justice: You pay me seven million bucks a year, man. So, yeah. Maybe I am a little bit.
Billy Beane: No, man. I ain't paying you seven. Yankee's are paying half your salary. That's what the New York Yankee's think of you. They're paying you three and a half million dollars to play against 'em.

Please sign A Roid, Chicago White Sox. Please. 

He's already fucked everyone in New York, including the fans, so why not come to the South Side and scout the talent during the games, maybe drink a few beers, sit in a recliner and play video games. Are White Sox fans nucking futs? Why would you want this cheating loser on your squad, even for free? Contrast his nonchalant style with Kevin Youkilis, who gave the Sox a major boost midseason with his willingness to go deep into counts and fight a pitcher to the death for a walk, a scratch single, or even a home run. You're not going to get anything like that from this bum, even for nothing. I don't even wish this waste of space on the White Sox. Especially since you just don't have any at bats to go around at DH with Adam Dunn and Konerko already on the team. 

Alright, I talked myself into it. Please sign A Rod Kenny Williams. 

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Johnny Wockenfuss: The Funniest Name In Baseball History

In a game with a long history of funny names, including Pete LaCock, Rusty Kuntz, Ed Head, Dick Pole, and Johnny Dickshot, for me the funniest baseball name of all time is Johnny Wockenfuss. 

Johnny Wockenfuss shouldn't be funnier to me than Johnny Dickshot, but it is. 

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Theo Epstein's Theology 101 And Building Last Place Teams

I just checked MLB.com to verify this, but at the exact instant I write this blog, Theo Epstein and his band of baseball savants, including his right-hand man Jed Hoyer, are responsible for building three last place teams. That's right, The Cubs, The Padres, and The Boston Red Sox are all in last place right now. All they need is five years and a billion dollars and they can build something really special. I think most of us could.

The sweet smell of... last place

And the builder of the last place San Diego Padres' franchise. Sure are pretty, aren't they?

That's all. Just wanted to point out that the general management of the Cubs has built three teams that are currently in last place.

Go Cubs, go. 

January 25, 2015: So, it turns out I was probably wrong about whatever I was saying here, and I'm really looking forward to the 2015 season. 

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Kerry Wood, Go Disappoint People Who Aren't Cub Fans Now

As Kerry Wood prepares to leave Chicago (actually, why would he ever leave Chicago where he's beloved even after 14 years of disappointing fans, managers, and teammates) I have just one thought... good riddance. I saw the 1998 twenty strikeout game against the Astros, just like everyone else, but what i never did was make the mistake of waiting for Kerry Wood to ever live up to that potential. See, I'm a Cubs' fan, and the Sean Dunston example was fresh in my memory. Sean Dunston and Kerry Wood, two players with all the talent in the world, but absolutley zero willingness to listen to coaches or make adjustments in their game in a game where making adjustments is essential. I remember Steve Stone nearly having strokes in the booth trying to explain to young pitchers that this is not the way a baseball is thrown and anyone who throws across their body like Kerry Wood did was in jeopardy of injuring themselves permanently.


Which is exactly what happened. But his bad mechanics caused more than just injuries that prevented him from even using his natural abilities, they made it a reality that the rest of the league would never have to adjust to Kerry Wood. They would always know what was coming, and if it wasn't that freakishly sharp slider we saw that day in 1998, Kerry Wood was just slightly better than mediocre.

"The difference between the Jaguar and the Lexus is..."

Now Kerry Wood is poised to become an ambassador of Cubs' tradition. My opinion is that seems about right because he exemplifies that tradition. Broken promises, disappointment, unfulfilled potential, refusal to change even when losing. All of these have been hallmarks of the Chicago Cubs I have known in my 43 years. Cubs' fans love a lovable loser. So Kerry Wood will now become a face of the Cubs organization in whatever capacity Theo Epstein finds beneficial. My advice to Theo would be the same advice Alec Baldwin gave Kevin Spacey in Glengarry Glenross: "Fire the fuckin' loser." "Nice guy? Fuck you." Kerry Wood is not only a loser, he's a bad example. He's an example of all those athletes who relied on ability and ignored the craft they were supposed to exemplify.

How to win Cubs fans and influence people and destroy your elbow at the same time

Having seen the example of Greg Maddux, Cubs' fans should know this. With half the talent and a hundred times the competitive spirit and deication to the art and craft of pitching, Greg Maddux had a Hall of Fame career and did it in a way that showed he had a concern for what he was doing. I can't question another person's competitive spirit or desire to win, but I can observe how they approcah their job on a yea-in, year-out basis, and Kerry Wood never seemed to make any alterations or enter any year any better prepared to be a long-term winning pitcher in the Major Leagues.

Hey bulldog

You keep him if you want, Theo. Most of the Cubs fans will love it. Or maybe you will have noticed on one of the nicest days of the year so far and against the cross town rivals Chicago White Sox, only 34,000 people showed up. Don't let those indiscriminating minority sway you into believing all Cub fans are tolerant of broken promises and unfulfilled potential, accepting of image over substance, tradition over a winning methodology. Go some where and disappoint someone else, Kerry Wood. I'm sure even if you're not very good at what you do next it won't make any difference you'll succeed wildly.





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The New York Yankees and Jung's Ultimate Rescuer Fallacy

     Maybe Americans have some vestigial, ingrained faith in John Wayne, or maybe most Americans have seen too many trash-to-treasure reality shows, but one month into every recent baseball season the fan base of every team not competing for a playoff spot's thoughts turn to what early Psychoanalyst psychologist Carl Jung referred to as an Ultimate Rescuer. Some nebulous, munificent entity somewhere out there in the cosmos that would swoop in at the last minute and make everything better. In major league baseball that entity has a name...

The New York Yankees. Which is an ironic incarnation of the Ultimate Rescuer as the Yankees are also known as The Evil Empire. I'll refrain from drawing parallels to society at large. But every Spring the ritual is revisited. Your team comes out with a bad start and you think your playoff chances are gone, and you've got three or four players you blame for it. They're not playing well, or they have an attitude problem, or they're not achieving their full potential, or they're a veteran who's best days are behind him. Oh, I know what we can do... call the Yankees. Because they have a tradition of winning with bums. 

Ya, the Yankees have won 27 World Series by making a non-stop effort to scour the planet for every burnout, no talent, has been bum who decides to put on a uniform. Hell, while you're at it, maybe they'll take that old sofa off your hands, too. 

Just because Yogi Berra was once a Yankee doesn't mean they have some cockamamie scheme that turns garbage into diamonds. The Yankee plan has been rather consistent: wait for other teams to develop talent, then use the twenty or so major league teams who never have a shot of being competitive as their minor league system. You draft them, develop them, coach them up, then when they blossom and you can no longer afford to keep them, there's one team that can.

Throw in a few players they develop themselves, and one starts to wonder why the Yankees don't win every year. But back to the sports fans who seem to think the Yankees are the city dump of Major League baseball, or more accurately a scrap iron dealer who not only takes your junk off your hands, but spits out cash in return... you're insane. You can "package" as much garbage as you want in one box, but it's still garbage. The Yankees probably will deal a lot at the trade deadline this year, and maybe they will even speculate on a veteran or a head case or a young player who's career has stalled out, but they won't do it out of the goodness of their hearts, and they won't do it free. Desperation stinks. And begging raises the price of things. But there are 25 or so major league cities out there right now where the fans are dreaming of that trash-for-treasure trade where all their problems magically disappear and John Wayne appears out of the mist to make everything right. Keep dreaming. 

February 10, 2013 update: I wonder if the Yankees will be trading Alex Rodriguez? 

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