Zombie Logic Incredibly Brief Movie Reviews: Terrifying Tales

All three movies I intend to review tonight for Zombie Logic's Incredibly Brief Movie Reviews were discovered by accident by allowing You Tube to run on from a movie I had originally intended to watch to the next movie on the queue. I've actually come to enjoy this process, as I'm discovering a great many movies I never even had heard of, seen listed on even the most obscure movie lists, or could have found myself. Tonight's second movie, which I am watching right now after it popped up after The Keeper, is called Terrifying Tales.

Terrifying Tales is not the best movie to watch if you're not really paying attention, because there are no coherent titles or transitions, and it appears to just be three student movies or ultra low budget independent productions strung together ala Tales From the Darkside or Tales From the Crypt. It also reminds me of a DVD collection I got at Best Buy titled Tomb of Terrors, which has 50 independent and student movies. Lot of hit and miss stuff, but all enjoyable if that's your thing, which it is.

I already forget if this is from story one or two of Terrifying Tales, or if the two blend together, because I was making popcorn and checking my fantasy football lineup. The first story was rather short, I remember (from an hour ago), and the second story was much better. I'm about to watch the third story. If you like anthology horror, this is a movie you'll enjoy if you are a completist. The quality is even lower than something like Escapes with Vincent Price.

Not sure I'd agree with this assessment of 1989's Terrifying Tales from Kevin Thomas of the L.A. Times, or if this is even a real review, but it's perfectly as time-filling as the movie I watched before it, and the movie I will most likely watch after it. 

New information, if you're still interested: the three films are related in that they are all student movies by UCLA graduate students. Paul Bunnell's "Final Destination: Unknown" (copyrighted 1989), is actually horror. The other two; Armand Garabidian's "Ten Seconds to Countdown" (copyrighted 1986) and Ephraim Schwartz's "Creatures of Habit" (also 1986), are, respectively, science fiction and drama with only slight mystery components. -from The Bloody Pit of Horror





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Peopletoys (1974)

Actress Gail Smale, whose only movie was Peopletoys. Yes, she is albino.

Peopletoys is a 1974 movie that is impressive to me as an example of sure-handed professionalism triumphing over half-ass irresponsibilty. The half-ass irresponsibility in this case came from original director Sean MacGregor, who gets full credit for directing Peopletoys despite doing little else except fucking everything up, sleeping with an underage actress, and fighting with the writer and producer for setting flame to their hard work. MacGregor was so bad that he was fired and veteran tv producer David Sheldon was brought in to help salvage the production. Which he did. Despite having to reshoot a lot of the footage in another location, and bring back actors whose physical appearance had changed, including a nubile Leif Garrett, who had to don a wig because he had already dyed his hair for another production, Sheldon finished Peopletoys, also known as Devil Times Five, and Tantrums.  

Hell ya, that's Boss Hogg. Sorrelle Booke. "Goodnight, Harvey Beckman."

A lot of good scholarship has been done on Peopletoys. I've only ever seen one negative review, and that person seemed like kind of an idiot. The most amazing part of this movie to me is that it got finished at all. Most movies Sean MacGregor started never did, including the one with Vanna White, the one with the only known footage of her breastesses, or at least one breast, that is still credited to director Alan Smithee to this day, although it was the infamous MacGregor that raised a couple mildo of investor money, including the wife of a famous actor, and a future California gubernatorial candidate, then melted down, and ended up getting sued by everyone but Hupy and Abraham for misrepresenting himself. The legal battle went on so long that by the time it came to a head Vanna White and the rich governor-type had become all proper Conservatives and just wanted the piece of trash buried in a landfill. 

I watched Peopletoys again last night from my 50 Chilling Classics video that I've had a long time. The continuity errors, inexplicable scene changes, and feeling of disjointment are apparent if you're looking for them, or even if you're not. Knowing the troubled history of this movie only makes me like it more. I'm actually going to put it in tonight in the background and watch. I love the ski lodge location. The fact that at the beginning of the movie you see guests who are leaving for the season as the characters arrive to take over during the off season. Sound familiar? This movie is whack, and over the top with boobs, catfights, a cross-dressing adolescent, an albino actress fucking the director, who melts down, checks into a mental institution, and ends up 40 years later working as a stage hand in Hollywood. Whatever happened to Gail Smale? Pin It

Satan's Children: An Early Seventies Tribute To Satan, Homophobia, and Molly Hatchet

Satan's Children, Just your typical early 70's tract about Satan, queers, and Molly Hatchet. Here's how it breaks down.

Same old story: Bobby Douglas, not the Bears' quarterback, is a teen in Florida, living with his step- dad and step- sister, presumably after his mother has died. He's not really welcome in the home anymore, and is used primarily as a servant. His step-sister especially likes to torment him, like in this scene where she taunts him about his small penis, then later spills the beans about Bobby's secret marijuana stash at the dinner table, prompting Bobby to snap and run away from home. 

He dejectedly wanders the streets as sappy music lets us know this is sad wandering time. He enters a diner and gets hit on by an old queer. It is here we start to learn someone really has a bad feeling about gays. He is saved by a young macho dude just in time, taken for an exhilarating motorcycle ride, and invited back to his place to crash. It seems like a godsend. Maybe this guy will show Bobby the ropes and make an upstanding citizen out of him. For sure it's better than going down the trail of queerdom, right?

Wrong. Here's Bobby being gang queer-raped by the members of Molly Hatchet, three years before the release of their self-titled debut album. They decide after an evening of Flirting With Disaster that they're done with Bobby, and roll him out of the car at about forty miles an hour, where he fortunately ends up...

In a Satanic Hippie cult's backyard. These twat cannons like doing things like burying people in sand and covering them in syrup for the ants to enjoy, and hanging whoever it seems is out of vogue with satan this week. These are jerkoffs, but one thing everyone can agree on is gays are bad, especially satan. I never knew this, butsatan hates homosexuality, and Bobby is not welcome at the commune, even though one of the girls has taken a shine to him. She's the one buried here.

There's a whiz bang finish here. Lots of action. Bobby gets even. I won't ruin the fun by detailing the gruesome events. His sister does apparently find out what his penis size really is. 

Then everything ends on a real happy note as the cult members revel in this extended crucifixion scene of someone who has engaged in no injurious behavior to them or satan. 

The story of the making of the movie is rather interesting in itself. Back in the fall of 1973, longtime WTVT director Joe Wiezycki decided to return to his dream of directing an honest-to-gosh low-budget feature, shot entirely in the Tampa Bay area, using local cast and crew.  His first effort five years earlier was called "Willy's Gone."  It ended badly when the film failed to gain adequate distribution.  Making matters worse, the film's investors were all Channel 13 employees...each contributing $1,000.  But Joe was determined to prevail and become the Alfred Hitchcock of Tampa Bay. - from Making of satan's children

Long story short, he made the movie. I'm watching it right now. It's entertaining as hell, but the homophobia is a bit offputting, and Satanists always seem to make jackasses out of themselves when portrayed in cinema. Go ahead and give this pig a ride. You'll probably like it.  Pin It

Oasis of the Zombies and Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies Are the Same Movie

It took me two years to figure out Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies and Oasis of the Zombies are the same movie. You might ask, how the hell does such a thing happen. You probably wouldn't ask, but for the sake of this ersatz blog entry some hypothetical person must ask, so let's assume you did. But first I have to go to Google and get pictures of Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies and Oasis of the Zombies, which are the same movie. Here's some of the stuff that might have happened in the movie.

Two chicks at the Oasis

These two chicks really like each other. So they decide to head to a remote oasis in the middle of the desert and do whatever it is they're about to do.

This guy sees what they're doing, and it causes his eyes to bug out. I call this zombie Bugeye Johnson. Inexplicably throughout the movie people keep showing up at this oasis that has been forgotten since an ambush planted a squad of Nazis there during WWII. If you decide to watch it with the sound on you'll discover there is some plot. I never have, so I'm not sure what the plot is. And that's part and parcel of the explanation as to why it took me two years to figure out Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies and Oasis of the Zombies are the same movie. More than that, they're really neither one, because the movie is actually titled Treasure of the Living Dead, but don't tell every video store in the history of video stores that.

In the 1990's and in the early part of this Millennium there used to be this thing called a video rental store, where you could go rent Beta or VHS tapes and go home and put them in your Betamax or VHS player. Near the advent of the 3rd Millennium they decided only DVD copies would be available, then most of the movies disappeared altogether. 

Now they had these video stores everywhere. Gas stations, laundromats, supermarkets. Video stores. And each one had a slightly different selection, so it was incumbent upon one who wanted to see new movies to travel around outside of the house (I know, crazy) in search of these new videos. But movie distributors were tricky. They knew you didn't know Zombie2 was actually the Fulci classic Zombie, but packaged as Zombie 2 because in Italy Dawn of the Dead was packaged as Zombie so the real Zombie couldn't be titled Zombie it had to be titled Zombie 2. Here's another picture from Treasure of the Living Dead for no good reason.

What do the zombies do in Treasure of the Living Dead in between bands of tourists and treasure hunters showing up to be eaten? Maybe they have a band. I don't know. This is actually a really nice shot from Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies, err, Oasis of the Dead.

In closing I'd like to say the reason it took me two years to figure out Oasis of the Dead and Bloodsucking Nazi Zombies are really the same movie, and that movie is actually titled Treasure of the Living Dead is that I never watched it. I literally rented it almost a dozen times before I turned the sound on. I blame the patriarchy. Misogynist filmmakers like Jess Franco made so many movies that all looked the same that it was years before I looked up enough from my reading to see that these were the same two women in the opening scene being eaten over and over and over. 

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Street Trash, Zombie Night, and Dead Drunk

In 2005 I was named General Manager of Castaways, a dive bar that was literally hidden under a bridge.

What could possibly be better than being named General Manager of a bar with no budget, no staff, and no customers?

Well, it was also the dead of winter, and I had to bartend for 100 straight nights.

Believe me, there wasn't a single person in the world who wanted to see me behind a bar at that point, especially me. To complicate matters, I had almost no experience. I had no idea what I was doing.

By spring we were broke, and I had to come up with some ideas.

Anything.

So we started trying things: Punk Rock Night, karaoke with the Roller Derby, Pajamas and Cereal Night, Old School Beer Night, and eventually Zombie Night.

The first Zombie Night consisted of about eight of us sitting around watching Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things, still one of my favorite zombie movies.

Eight people wasn't exactly going to save the bar.

But something happened.

People started coming back. Then they brought other people. By that summer we were consistently getting at least 150 people into a dive bar under a bridge on Tuesday nights to drink beer and watch movies like Hard Rock Zombies, The Stuff, and Street Trash.

There was something wonderfully ridiculous about it. None of this was the result of market research. We didn't have a promotional budget. We were simply trying things that sounded like they might be fun and discovering that there were apparently a lot of other people in Rockford who thought sitting in a strange bar watching terrible horror movies on a Tuesday night sounded fun too.

I, Thomas L. Vaultonburg,  watched Street Trash again late last night.

What a pisser of a movie.

Apparently I liked it enough that I later more or less stole its central premise for my screenplay Dead Drunk.

Street Trash is a filthy, reprehensible movie, and there isn't another one remotely like it. If gore is your game, and you can stomach enough misogyny to fuel Congress, this is for you. Don't try to eat while you're watching it.

The premise is beautifully awful: a liquor-store owner discovers an old case of cheap booze called Viper in his basement and decides that instead of letting perfectly bad liquor go to waste, he'll sell it to the local homeless population for a dollar a bottle.

People who drink Viper melt.

That's pretty much all you need to know.

I wasn't eating when I watched it again last night, which was probably wise, and I managed to set aside the movie's relentless ugliness long enough to enjoy it again for the strange fucking delight that it is.

But watching it now also brings me back to Castaways.

A bar with no customers became a bar where 150 people would show up on a Tuesday to watch somebody melt after drinking a dollar bottle of fictional liquor.

I had no idea what I was doing.

Apparently, neither did anyone else.

Maybe that's why it worked.

The first night eight of us watched Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, my favorite zombie movie. 

By that summer we were consistently getting at least 150 people on Tuesday nights at a bar under a bridge to watch movies like Hard Rock Zombies, The Stuff, and Street Trash,

I watched Street Trash again late last night. What a pisser of a movie that is. I liked it so much, apparently, I completely ripped off the premise in my screenplay Dead Drunk. 

Street Trash is a filthy, reprehensible movie, and there's not another one remotely like it. If gore is your game, and you can stomach enough misogyny to fuel Congress, this is for you. Don't try to eat while you're watching it. The premise: a cheap liquor store owner finds a crate of a hooch named Viper in his basement, and decides instead of letting it go to waste, to sell it to the street bums for a dollar a bottle. It makes them melt. I wasn't eating last night when I watched this, and I was able to set aside the unsettling misogyny in the movie and just enjoy it for the strange fucking delight it is. 

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The Wailing aka Murder Syndrome aka Fear aka Delrium aka Satan's Alter

I really love the compilation movie Zombiethon. Probably far more than I should, but there are sentimental reasons involved. In the late 80's and early 90's I used to rent the Wizard Video big box VHS version of Zombiethon every six months from the Dollar Video. These were the days when the video store was a destination. You got your snacks, you got an armload of videos, and maybe you didn't leave the apartment for a few days. Later I found out maybe you also had a personality disorder, but if you've got to have something, having a disorder that leads you to hole up in your dark apartment for four days eating instant Won Ton soup, drinking Tab Cola, and watching zombie movies on VHS doesn't seem like the worst thing that could happen. 

There are seven or eight zombie movies Zombiethon draws clips from. I can't name them all off hand right now. I actually probably can... Zombie Lake, A Virgin Among the Living Dead, Oasis of the Zombies, The Invisible Dead, The Alien Dead, Zombie, and the movie I'm watching tonight (if it ever loads on the Amazon player, that is) for the first time. It's called Murder Syndrome. And it's called Fear. And it's called Delirium. And it's called Satan's Alter. And ultimately they decided to title it The Wailing for worldwide English-language release. 

There's really no good reason for me to have rented it at one in the morning, but nonetheless, here we go. 

I guess seeing that box with the Wizard Video logo I'd probably like to find a copy of this on VHS. Pretty standard opening. Actor gets overwrought, tries to strangle and actress during filming of a movie, decides he needs a vacation, so retreats to an eerie family estate to relax. And it is is eerie. The actor's mother, who is supposedly dying, but still looks pretty dang good, seems really happy to see her son. Uncomfortably happy, and is terribly disappointed to see her son has brought along his girlfriend. I wonder what's going to happen. 

Methinks Anita Strindberg is a little too hot to have a strapping thirty year old actor son. But nudity to the rescue. What next? Are you going to tell me the actor's friends start showing up and putting themselves in precarious positions where they could easily be knocked off in gruesome ways by someone, or some thing, that inhabits the estate?

Listen, I'm just going to have a quick shag with Laura Gemser, you know, the chick who played one of the Emmanuels. What could go wrong? 

Ahhhhhh. Shit, I hope nobody saw that. They'll put her spleen back in, right? This is turning out to be a very bad weekend. What else could even possibly go wrong?

Son of a bitch. Listen, I'm going to go watch the final 57 minutes of this movie and have a cup of tea. If you want to know what happens, you go ahead and rent The Wailing on Amazon, or wait for Netflix to add it, which, let me look at my watch, ain't never going to happen. Seems pretty good from the bit I was able to watch between typing this and having only bar of connectivity right now. 

I lied, I'm back. Because this chick goes down the stairs, runs into the spider, decides to run through the woods, then ends up back in the basement, where these two figures are waiting for her as Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" plays. And that's pretty more than ok for two a.m. I'll let you know if anything equally that good happens in the last thirty minutes. 








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Tuesday Is Soylent Green Day

I re-watched Soylent Green on a VHS tape last night, as the gods intended. Seems like with this movie, The Omega Man, and Planet of the Apes, Charlton Heston was one of the great science fiction actors of all time. There's a scene in Soylent Green where Heston, who portrays a cop, plunders the apartment of a homicide victim for a slice of beef and some apples, delicacies in this bleak future, and he and Edward G. Robinson eat them in a scene celebrating the miracle of food. It's a scene that is hard to watch without wanting to go to the kitchen and just revel in all the variety of fresh foods we have available to us in America.

The joy of something we take for granted, like an apple, is conveyed with some good acting in this scene from Soylent Green. I paused the tape at this point, suddenly overtaken with an overwhelming desire for a piece of fresh fruit. I live in a food desert here in the fifth most dangerous neighborhood in America, but fortunately there is one convenience store that puts out a few pieces of fruit each day. Bananas, apples, and oranges. It was only 9:13, and since they are open until ten I set out. It was a nice night, and I don't pay too much attention to the crime statistics, as I have been walking this neighborhood for the five years I've lived here now without any problems. But when I got to convenience store I was disappointed to see they had closed early, as they commonly do. The next closest piece of fruit was over an hour away on foot, so I abandoned my quest for fruit and went back to my apartment dejectidly. 

I wanted to mope. I really, really wanted a piece of fruit, and most of the food choices I had left at my apartment looked like Soylent Green. But I cheered up when I saw them make a fuss over a real egg in the movie. I had eggs. In this future a jar of strawberry jam was so scarce it sold for $150. I happened to have a small jar of strawberry jam I had been ignoring for over a year. I got out my eggs, my small jar of strawberry jam, grabbed a hunk of cabbage that was leftover from the last time I made a corned beef, and I had a feast. I also had milk and peanut butter. I ate it all. I made a glutton of myself. And I was grateful for every ounce of it. 

Water flowed from the faucets, uninterrupted electricity powered my utilities, a nice breeze flowed through the window. Thank you, science fiction, for creating a scenario of the future so bleak that even my modest accomodations here in this real present seem even that much better. If you're having trouble appreciating what little you have in this life, watch this movie. You'll cheer up. 

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Elvira's Movie Macabre, Epoisode 8: The Thing With Two Heads

Rosie Greer and Ray Milland are The Thing With Two Heads

Episode number 8 of Elvira's Movie Macabre aired on November 15, 1981, and The Thing With Two Heads was shown. What happens in The Thing With Two Heads? No idea. I've never seen it. My understanding is that the premise is that racist Ray Milland's head is transplanted onto football player Rosey Greer's body. Merriment, and poignant points about the nature of racism are made. Probably. Like I said, never seen the movie. Ray Milland won the best actor Academy Award in 1945 for The Lost Weekend. Apparently the movie reverts into a keystone cops chase scene all meant for camp effect and cheap laughs. This movie might have been showing in our house on November 15, 1981, or it may not have. 

Was there a call from The Breather (John Paragon) in episode 8 of Elvira's Movie Macabre? Maybe. 

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50 Chilling Classics Is My Favorite Boxed Set of All Time

50 Chilling Classics

50 Chilling Classics is one of those things that came along when I needed it most. I had just lost everything, again, and had moved into a small apartment where I had nothing. Not even a television. But I did have a computer, which only got the internet from the restaurant in the ally ever now and again, and I could play movies on it. I bought 50 Chilling Classics at best Buy because I thought I would soon have a lot of time and not much to do. I recognized a few of the titles, but most were new to me. So I bought it. And I watched some of the movies over and over. I have documented may here. My favorites were The Cold, The Demon, The Demons of Ludlow, Devil Times Five, Dr. Tarr's Torture Dungeon, The Driller Killer, Drive-In Massacre, Funeral Home, House of the Dead, Messiah of Evil, The Murder Mansion, Silent Night, Bloody Night, Sisters of Death, Slashed Dreams, and The Witches Mountain. I see two movies on this list I don't remember watching, probably because that disk got lost in the move, or wasn't in the box, which would be common for Mill Valley products. Haunts and The Hearse. 

ALPHA INCIDENT, THE -1971

BELL FROM HELL - 1973

BLANCHEVILLE MONSTER, THE - 1964

BLOODY BROOD, THE - 1959

BUCKET OF BLOOD, A - 1959

CATHY'S CURSE - 1977

COLD, THE - 1984

DEATH RAGE - 1976

DEMON, THE - 1981

DEMONS OF LUDLOW, THE - 1983

DEVIL TIMES FIVE - 1974

DEVIL'S HAND, THE - 1962

DR. TARR'S TORTURE DUNGEON - 1973

DRILLER KILLER, THE - 1979

DRIVE-IN MASSACRE - 1974

FUNERAL HOME - 1980

GHOST, THE - 1963

HANDS OF A STRANGER - 1962

HAUNTS - 1977

HEARSE, THE - 1980

HORROR EXPRESS - 1972

HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND - 1962

HOUSE OF THE DEAD, THE (AKA: ALIEN ZONE) - 1978

I BURY THE LIVING - 1958

I EAT YOUR SKIN - 1964

JESSE JAMES MEETS FRANKENSTEIN'S DAUGHTER - 1966

LADY FRANKENSTEIN - 1971

LAND OF THE MINOTAUR - 1976

LEGEND OF BIGFOOT, THE - 1976

MAN IN THE ATTIC - 1953

MEDUSA - 1973

MESSIAH OF EVIL - 1973

METAMORPHOSIS - 1990

MURDER MANSION, THE - 1972

NAKED MASSACRE - 1976

NIGHTMARE IN WAX - 1969

OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES - 1981

PANIC - 1976

PASSENGER TO BALI, A - 1950

REVENGE OF DOCTOR X, THE - 1970

SCREAM BLOODY MURDER - 1973

SHOCK - 1946

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT - 1972

SISTERS OF DEATH - 1976

SLASHED DREAMS - 1974

SNOWBEAST - 1977

TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST - 1976

WAR OF THE ROBOTS - 1978

WEREWOLF IN A GIRL'S DORMITORY - 1962

WITCHES MOUNTAIN, THE - 1972

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