Horror movies are chock full of life lessons, and that's why Halloween is an opportune time to assemble the kids in front of the old television and allow them to soak up the moral instruction they can only get from watching a horde of zombies devour the entrails of an unfortunate soul who has provisioned himself poorly for the Zombie Apocalypse.
10) Dawn of the Dead
Things aren't all that important. Blind consumerism can lead us to be exposed to ultimate dissatisfaction and a hollow feeling when we discover the most important things in life aren't things, they're practical effects like this exploding head.
9) Day of the Dead
Communication is important. You can't just yell at the top of your lungs all the time like Captain Rhodes. Everyone has feelings, even zombies. Be polite, and include everyone in discussions, let everyone have their say, and make decisions based on input from everyone. Or you might get shot and then have your small intestine yanked out and devoured.
8) The Omen
It doesn't pay to discount the possibility that evil exists and exists in a real and tangible way. Kids can be nasty little sons-a-bitches, even your own. Glass can kill, vertically or horizontally. Take the stairs sometimes. And never buy your child a tricycle.
7) Night of the Living Dead
Let your sister have the remote control, for chrissake. Quit teasing her about her pigtails because if you don't some freak will shamble out of the shadows and crack your godamn coconut on a gravestone, so just cut it the hell out.
6) Alien
Did someone resembling me tell you not to eat that whole bag of Sour Patch Kids before bed? I think they did.
5) The Exorcist
Your mom might be wrong occasionally like when she told me I'm not an awesome dancer, but if you ever decide to check her into a nursing home after I die so you can get at that sweet porn stash you know I'm hiding right in front of her eyes in the laundry room you do so at your own risk.
4) Rosemary's Baby
Don't have sex with anyone, ever, for any reason, especially Satan. He's not going to call you back.
3) The Shining
Seriously, kids, it was just some bad clams. I'm over it now.
2) Halloween
What did I tell you about stabbing your sister with my good kitchen knife? Who do you think cleans these things up, the Keebler faeries?
1) It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown
This one actually contains the scariest message of all. Find some schlubby kid with low self-esteem and scapegoat him for any problem that arises. Really, kick the shit out of him and make sure he knows you think he's useless, worthless, and to blame for all your problems. Then when the problem is solved deus ex machina dance like crack-addled freakoids and pretend none of it ever happened.
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