The Battle of the Network Stars

I used to love The Battle of the Network Stars when I was a kid. My favorite years are when The Incredible Hulk (Lou Ferrigno) was on. I also loved the swimming relay because apparently they never got together beforehand to decide if the people they were nominating to race could even swim. And of course it all ended up in that famous tug-o-war with Ed Asner anchoring the CBS team. My poem slightly fictionalizes events that may or may not have happened.

Battle of the Network Stars

I am Thomas L. Vaultonburg, 

Writer of the postmodern poem 

Battle of the Network Stars, 

Which opens with one 

Of the Cagney and Laceys 

Sneaking into the Green Room 

To nibble blueberry muffins 

With the Incredible Hulk 

And ends with a tug-o-war 

Between the casts of Happy Days 

And Mork and Mindy 

Which halts abruptly 

When a noticeably coked-up 

Robin Williams enters 

Pam Dawber from behind 

Putting an end to the 70’s 

For another 100 years. 

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